Here's My Number, So Call Me Ishmael

If there is one thing you can count on us for, it is normalcy. Consistency. Reliability. Episodes release at the same time, every third [redacted]. Topics that are grounded in the here and now. Now (and here), we break down what "normalcy" really means and why it's such a precious societal standard that we must preserve at all costs. Historically, normalcy has been really good for everyone. 

Put on your 3D glasses now.  Remember when movies were silent for a long time and then The Jazz Singer came out and people lost their minds? This is kind of like that without blackface. When I was researching this joke, I read through the Wikipedia entry on The Jazz Singer and there are, no lie, six full paragraphs dedicated to a discussion around whether it was cool that there were blackface scenes in that movie. Like, can we just acknowledge that it wasn't cool?  I originally wanted to make this comparison because The Jazz Singer was the first talkie, and this is like, the first podcast that is SO evocative that you might as well be watching a movie. But then I got really sidetracked by that Wikipedia article. I get that, at the time, cultural critics had different interpretations of what the blackface scenes signified, and that it's dangerous to erase those discussions lest we repeat our shitty past. But six paragraphs? The entire Wikipedia article on the fascinating French idiom "L'esprit de l'escalier" i

When you listen to this episode, you'll have the unique opportunity to hear the first joke ever recorded (from some Sumerians), followed immediately by some of the best jokes ever recorded (from us and Josh Betts). Tune in next week for the last joke you'll ever hear. 

Look us in the eye and tell us that you haven't assigned personality types to each of your pets and plants by now. But you probably got it wrong because you didn't have Hannah Duncan in your home, teasing out the nuances of how your monstera deliciosa reacts to stress, or the key motivations of your calico. We've all been stuck inside for a while, but have you looked inside?

This episode is about sacrificing your creative integrity in order to reach a wider audience. It's also about the one-of-a-kind, blow-your-mind taste of refreshing Diet Pepsi with Lime©. Nothing pairs better with the rich and rewarding sounds of this podcast than a fizzy, foamy Pepsi. Try one today with a big bowl of Donkey Chips© and take your snack game to the next level!

Anyone who knows us IRL will tell you that the only way to tell us apart is to look at our feet. Tony wears sandals because his feet are cute, but Austin wears close-toed shoes because his left big toe got slammed in a door in 7th grade, and the nail keeps falling off. We can't imagine how difficult it must be for you listeners to tell the difference, sight unseen. But guess what? Now you don't have to. We have (finally) fused into one.    

In their song "The Beautiful People," Marilyn Manson sing the words "the beautiful people/the beautiful people (aah)." 23 years later, we're picking up the baton and running it into the endzone. Here you'll find stories of timeless romance which suggest that beauty isn't just skin deep, followed by a long discussion of some smoking hot celebs that pretty much proves that it is. How much sexiness is in here? At least a Hems-worth.

Like Simon and Garfunkel, we have settled our creative differences and height differentials in favor of a long and fruitful partnership. Unlike Simon and Garfunkel, we have recorded a hot track about squirrels. Think of this episode as our "Bridge over Troubled Water," only instead of bridges we have sprawling nuclear facilities, and instead of troubled water it's basically just squirrels. This is our "I Am a Rock" if the rock were a nut. Something something something "Squirrelborough Fair." This is the squirrel episode.   

We're about to flax on y'all. We've joined the Amish Mafia with the help of our friend Beau, and this episode finds us raising cain, barns, hell, and crops. Did I miss anything? Learn how to swear in Catalan, find out if your Black-eyed Susans are actually weeds, get your tingle on with some ASMR tortilla-chip play, and acquire some very good Harry Potter weed puns for your next Bible study.

This one is for the kids.*      *not actually for kids

"I'm just secondhand smoke." - Vapewood Mac Let's clear the air; we've been gone a while. Holidays, finals, resolutions. But the holidays are over and we failed the other two things. We've had time to dwell on what is and isn't appropriate to show in a Disney movie. We've brainstormed new and exciting cigarette mascots. And we've wrapped it all up in a pocket-sized paper package, foil-lined, with room for about twenty jokes, with five bonus jokes for our Canadian listeners. But this episode ain't gonna cost ya a dime, and it won't poison your bod. Well, maybe your ears.

Who wants to be a Galleon-aire? Turns out, all you need is six dollars. We take a deep dive into Scrooge McDuck's weird vault, write a freaky "Tale of Two Cities/LOTR" slash-fic (guess what it's called?), and envision a beautiful utopia where the only inhabitants are us, Ron and Rand Paul, and a fiat currency of love. Tony's economics chops are on full display. Austin's timing is not. Nick Van Heest guest-stars. I'm gonna stay on theme and refer to him as "Nick Van Heist." 

In a continuation of last week's episode, we enter the world of prestige serialized podcasts. Austin contributes some original music. Tony contributes a writing lesson that makes Stephen King's "On Writing" look like a freshman persuasive essay. Apologies to Kevin James, who we both think is handsome and talented. And I'll go ahead and apologize to Stephen King for that earlier dig.  It's The Adventure Zone! One Story, told week by week Welcome to Night Vale! "...Hello."

You've probably noticed that, despite our name, our references to Melville and other literary giants have been limited to one-offs and name-drops. Sure, we've talked about Moby the songster. And we've talked your ears off about Dicks. But together? Instead of turning this into a classic literature fancast, we have decided to write our own novel. Expecting a joke? Not happening. This is for real. It's about magic beans and moss and uglyboys and college. Listen to us assemble our tools.      

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean." - Lee Ann Womack As we eclipse 1000 downloads, we look back through the years on the things that have made this podcast great. We also look forward to its inevitable heat death. But until then, we will burn as brightly as a roman candle held in the sweaty grip of a kid who is definitely too young to purchase fireworks. It's just you and the boys today, sweet listener. Cherish this moment as much as we cherish you.

Dogs! I'm sitting next to a dog as I post this. Did you know that know that, no matter where you are on Earth, you're never more than two continents away from a beautiful dog? We're joined by dog-walker Becca Velez, who also does other things. Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg (RIP), and Lassie all make appearances. Side note: we're currently crowdfunding a crossover film where Lassie saves young Snoop after he wanders into an abandoned marijuana mine. 

What do Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, and Here's My Number So Call Me Ishmael have in common? All of us have worked with Mr. Christian Becker. Live from New York, it's our podcast! Why was Zayn Malik eating spaghetti in the "Night Changes" video? This is our Rosebud, if Rosebud was only relevant to the first ten-minute segment of Citizen Kane. Put on your sunglasses and let us be your Florence Nightingale; purifying the horse-tainted waters of the podcast community with cool, clear comedy.    

Galileo. Rani of Jhansi. The Theatre. Amelia Earhart. One of these things is not dead. Can you guess? We're here with Josh Boerman, who has a finger in almost every aspect of the New York City theatre scene, including scenes of plays. Thespis, Lesbos, and the Egyptian God of War (the card game) are here to make theatre deeply erotic again, so leave your puritanical planks and swaddling materials at the door. Break a leg and enjoy the show!  

Hope you're hungry. Tony, Austin, and another white male named Michael (a less  homogenous cast is coming, I promise) are here to sling hash, hash out trivia questions, and question things about life. What exactly are Scooby Snacks? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, what the hell is a "peck"? How were the peps already pickled? The Food Network may corner the market on visual depictions of food, but these auditory treats are freshhh. 

Yo ho ho and a bottle of puns. Pirates! This episode will sound especially good if you torrented it. Ryan Van Wingerden (let’s call him “Ryan Boat WingARRRden”) joins us as we talk about all manner of murderers, mutineers, and malcontents. A joke in harbor is safe, but that’s not what jokes were meant for. These jokes are not safe. These jokes are not PC. Unless PC stands for Pirate Captain.