Here's My Number, So Call Me Ishmael



It's a cultural quiz show and so much more.Tony Ditta (PhD. student of economics) peppers Austin Sisson (generally polite "student of life") with questions about... well, culture gosh darn it. With carefully curated trivia categories and perfectly executed mirth-bombs, you're going to learn something and laugh along the way. Thank you for everything. Goodbye.


  • Ep. 25: In Search of a Perfect 10

    Ep. 25: In Search of a Perfect 10

    05/05/2020 Duration: 01h02min

    Look us in the eye and tell us that you haven't assigned personality types to each of your pets and plants by now. But you probably got it wrong because you didn't have Hannah Duncan in your home, teasing out the nuances of how your monstera deliciosa reacts to stress, or the key motivations of your calico. We've all been stuck inside for a while, but have you looked inside?

  • Ep. 24: Pepsisode 1

    Ep. 24: Pepsisode 1

    22/02/2020 Duration: 01h11min

    This episode is about sacrificing your creative integrity in order to reach a wider audience. It's also about the one-of-a-kind, blow-your-mind taste of refreshing Diet Pepsi with Lime©. Nothing pairs better with the rich and rewarding sounds of this podcast than a fizzy, foamy Pepsi. Try one today with a big bowl of Donkey Chips© and take your snack game to the next level!

  • Ep. 23: Were Not So Different, You and I

    Ep. 23: We're Not So Different, You and I

    09/08/2019 Duration: 01h03min

    Anyone who knows us IRL will tell you that the only way to tell us apart is to look at our feet. Tony wears sandals because his feet are cute, but Austin wears close-toed shoes because his left big toe got slammed in a door in 7th grade, and the nail keeps falling off. We can't imagine how difficult it must be for you listeners to tell the difference, sight unseen. But guess what? Now you don't have to. We have (finally) fused into one.    

  • Ep. 22: Oh What Beautiful!

    Ep. 22: Oh What Beautiful!

    07/03/2019 Duration: 55min

    In their song "The Beautiful People," Marilyn Manson sing the words "the beautiful people/the beautiful people (aah)." 23 years later, we're picking up the baton and running it into the endzone. Here you'll find stories of timeless romance which suggest that beauty isn't just skin deep, followed by a long discussion of some smoking hot celebs that pretty much proves that it is. How much sexiness is in here? At least a Hems-worth.

  • Ep. 21: Squirrels Like Cars and Money (Clap-Clap)

    Ep. 21: Squirrels Like Cars and Money (Clap-Clap)

    18/12/2018 Duration: 01h05min

    Like Simon and Garfunkel, we have settled our creative differences and height differentials in favor of a long and fruitful partnership. Unlike Simon and Garfunkel, we have recorded a hot track about squirrels. Think of this episode as our "Bridge over Troubled Water," only instead of bridges we have sprawling nuclear facilities, and instead of troubled water it's basically just squirrels. This is our "I Am a Rock" if the rock were a nut. Something something something "Squirrelborough Fair." This is the squirrel episode.   

  • Ep. 20: Panda Jokes and Superweeds

    Ep. 20: Panda Jokes and Superweeds

    09/06/2018 Duration: 01h46s

    We're about to flax on y'all. We've joined the Amish Mafia with the help of our friend Beau, and this episode finds us raising cain, barns, hell, and crops. Did I miss anything? Learn how to swear in Catalan, find out if your Black-eyed Susans are actually weeds, get your tingle on with some ASMR tortilla-chip play, and acquire some very good Harry Potter weed puns for your next Bible study.

  • Ep 19: A Podcast for Children

    Ep 19: A Podcast for Children

    02/03/2018 Duration: 50min

    This one is for the kids.*      *not actually for kids

  • Ep. 18: Smoking on Air with Boys

    Ep. 18: Smoking on Air with Boys

    31/01/2018 Duration: 01h06min

    "I'm just secondhand smoke." - Vapewood Mac Let's clear the air; we've been gone a while. Holidays, finals, resolutions. But the holidays are over and we failed the other two things. We've had time to dwell on what is and isn't appropriate to show in a Disney movie. We've brainstormed new and exciting cigarette mascots. And we've wrapped it all up in a pocket-sized paper package, foil-lined, with room for about twenty jokes, with five bonus jokes for our Canadian listeners. But this episode ain't gonna cost ya a dime, and it won't poison your bod. Well, maybe your ears.

  • Ep 17: Oh, My Money? How High Can You Count?

    Ep 17: Oh, My Money? How High Can You Count?

    17/10/2017 Duration: 56min

    Who wants to be a Galleon-aire? Turns out, all you need is six dollars. We take a deep dive into Scrooge McDuck's weird vault, write a freaky "Tale of Two Cities/LOTR" slash-fic (guess what it's called?), and envision a beautiful utopia where the only inhabitants are us, Ron and Rand Paul, and a fiat currency of love. Tony's economics chops are on full display. Austin's timing is not. Nick Van Heest guest-stars. I'm gonna stay on theme and refer to him as "Nick Van Heist." 

  • The Best Selling, Great American Novel Pt. II

    The Best Selling, Great American Novel Pt. II

    19/09/2017 Duration: 45min

    In a continuation of last week's episode, we enter the world of prestige serialized podcasts. Austin contributes some original music. Tony contributes a writing lesson that makes Stephen King's "On Writing" look like a freshman persuasive essay. Apologies to Kevin James, who we both think is handsome and talented. And I'll go ahead and apologize to Stephen King for that earlier dig.  It's The Adventure Zone! One Story, told week by week Welcome to Night Vale! "...Hello."

  • The Best Selling, Great American Novel

    The Best Selling, Great American Novel

    11/09/2017 Duration: 41min

    You've probably noticed that, despite our name, our references to Melville and other literary giants have been limited to one-offs and name-drops. Sure, we've talked about Moby the songster. And we've talked your ears off about Dicks. But together? Instead of turning this into a classic literature fancast, we have decided to write our own novel. Expecting a joke? Not happening. This is for real. It's about magic beans and moss and uglyboys and college. Listen to us assemble our tools.      

  • Ep 14: Common Year A.D. 1290

    Ep 14: Common Year A.D. 1290

    05/07/2017 Duration: 47min

    "I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean." - Lee Ann Womack As we eclipse 1000 downloads, we look back through the years on the things that have made this podcast great. We also look forward to its inevitable heat death. But until then, we will burn as brightly as a roman candle held in the sweaty grip of a kid who is definitely too young to purchase fireworks. It's just you and the boys today, sweet listener. Cherish this moment as much as we cherish you.

  • Ep 13: Thats Gonna Be a YES for me, Dawg.

    Ep 13: That's Gonna Be a YES for me, Dawg.

    20/06/2017 Duration: 53min

    Dogs! I'm sitting next to a dog as I post this. Did you know that know that, no matter where you are on Earth, you're never more than two continents away from a beautiful dog? We're joined by dog-walker Becca Velez, who also does other things. Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg (RIP), and Lassie all make appearances. Side note: we're currently crowdfunding a crossover film where Lassie saves young Snoop after he wanders into an abandoned marijuana mine. 

  • Ep 12: Nightboys

    Ep 12: Nightboys

    12/06/2017 Duration: 57min

    What do Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, and Here's My Number So Call Me Ishmael have in common? All of us have worked with Mr. Christian Becker. Live from New York, it's our podcast! Why was Zayn Malik eating spaghetti in the "Night Changes" video? This is our Rosebud, if Rosebud was only relevant to the first ten-minute segment of Citizen Kane. Put on your sunglasses and let us be your Florence Nightingale; purifying the horse-tainted waters of the podcast community with cool, clear comedy.    

  • Ep. 11: Rounds of Trivia in the Round

    Ep. 11: Rounds of Trivia in the Round

    01/06/2017 Duration: 55min

    Galileo. Rani of Jhansi. The Theatre. Amelia Earhart. One of these things is not dead. Can you guess? We're here with Josh Boerman, who has a finger in almost every aspect of the New York City theatre scene, including scenes of plays. Thespis, Lesbos, and the Egyptian God of War (the card game) are here to make theatre deeply erotic again, so leave your puritanical planks and swaddling materials at the door. Break a leg and enjoy the show!  

  • Ep 10: A Decade of Food

    Ep 10: A Decade of Food

    23/05/2017 Duration: 01h06min

    Hope you're hungry. Tony, Austin, and another white male named Michael (a less  homogenous cast is coming, I promise) are here to sling hash, hash out trivia questions, and question things about life. What exactly are Scooby Snacks? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, what the hell is a "peck"? How were the peps already pickled? The Food Network may corner the market on visual depictions of food, but these auditory treats are freshhh. 

  • Ep 9: In the Brig

    Ep 9: In the Brig

    10/05/2017 Duration: 01h01min

    Yo ho ho and a bottle of puns. Pirates! This episode will sound especially good if you torrented it. Ryan Van Wingerden (let’s call him “Ryan Boat WingARRRden”) joins us as we talk about all manner of murderers, mutineers, and malcontents. A joke in harbor is safe, but that’s not what jokes were meant for. These jokes are not safe. These jokes are not PC. Unless PC stands for Pirate Captain.

  • Ep. 8: Thyme is on My Side

    Ep. 8: Thyme is on My Side

    02/05/2017 Duration: 49min

    Join us as we reveal the 2016 word-of-the-year! It's "cuckold." Tony, Austin, and Lucas try to start a barbershop quartet but are thwarted by the inner machinations of Skype. The Book of Revelation would have been much better  if it had been written by the Apostle Hall (of Hall and Oates). Spoiler: Tony ruins the end of Weeds. Even though this episode is about time, it's one of our shortest; almost as suspicious as Tony bringing up Alice IN Wonderland again, even though he "hates it."

  • Ep 7: Water We Talking About?

    Ep 7: Water We Talking About?

    18/04/2017 Duration: 57min

    From a dark hole deep beneath Boston comes Bart Tocci and his many personalities (including an Australian citizen trying to learn Italian and a Great Lakes shipwreck historian). Bart wanted this to be better than Lauren’s episode, but comedy is subjective so we’ll see. Tony’s motivations for creating the podcast become clear (it’s for puns). Our first a callback joke consists of Tony saying the world “well.” The second HALF of this episode is a soon-to-be-short-lived segment called “accents.” If a celery stalk falls in a forest, is it a vegetable and does anyone care?

  • Ep 6: A New Chapter

    Ep 6: A New Chapter

    19/02/2017 Duration: 01h02min

    Whooo's that laaady (Who's that lady)? It's our first guest, active listener Lauren Boersma! And her quiver is full of arrows, tipped with a bittersweet poison; an absurd amount of knowledge about Disney sequels. Come to think of it, we should have consulted her about our Bambi prequel. She also does other things, like read, teach, and volunteer! Start this new chapter with us. It's like the Three Musketeers, if one of the Musketeers was different every week.

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