Empire Of The Senseless

“Don’t wait for the perfect timing. Perfection is suffocating and time is the present moment only. If you miss me, if you want me, if you cannot see the sun without thinking of my light, then it’s already written. You’ve already returned. There is nothing left to wait for. You’ve already given me every moment of the rest of your life. I’ve already taught you what needing a home feels like. I’ve already met you a thousand times, and still you want more. You must be a sucker for a happy ending. Do you remember the one before City College? Do you remember the one coming? I kill for you. You die for me. We’re horseback, your skin is glowing under a merciless Persian sun, your face is painted, you’re screaming. I’m always riding as fast as I can. Your stallion is always faster. The arrow always hits your chest first; no matter how many times I replay it, you’re always taken. I cannot keep you forever. But the ending is always beautiful. Stand by me. Lay your head to rest on the thought of me. Let me guide you thro

Two kids share a conjoined room; only a wall separates them. On one side of the wall, she sits at a desk and scribbles scenarios. She is certain the answer lies in her magical powers. On the other side, the boy sits at an identical desk and sticks his pen in-between his teeth. He can’t figure out what to say. He hasn’t even heard her voice yet, but he is certain she exists. How can fate have it other way? His destiny was created by her hands and squeezed into a little glass bottle. Splash! She wished as hard as she could and ran away. He ran toward me. He never had any direction but upstream. He knew, if he timed it perfectly, he could just dangle off a tree and reach down his porcelain hand. He had always felt this story coming toward him. But I got overheated by my bratty nature and started banging on the wall. The little girl heard a rhythm. She immediately threw down the pen and started dancing. The boy closed his eyes and began singing. The thoughts flowed until there was nothing left but her movements.

The brat has a whip; she’s beating the pup. My love is screaming but nothing is coming out. I stand in front of your sheepish gaze. “Hey, look, I love you. That I can’t take back. But if you take one more jab at me, I’ll string you up by your own ideals of equality. A movement of inclusiveness that excludes any voice outside of the diction that pleases them most, is just another form of communism. Your shit sounds just as dangerous as organized religion to me. I don’t give a fuck what you believe. Get your hands out of my guts. This shame doesn’t belong to me. It’s yours, baby! Own it! Then watch how easily is dissipates. Poof! Freedom of the individual soul, no darling, its not ego, it’s the lack of self-control. You’ve lost your damn mind defending someone else’s story. What don’t you pick up a fucking pen and write your own. You’re lazy! It doesn’t take any energy at all to instill violence. Why don’t you get of your fucking ass when you shout, just for a change of pace? Grab your board. Come find me! Lets

There’s a black lab in the back of a yellow farmhouse. She’s crying. She’s terrified. She keeps trying to run away. Why won’t she stay content! Look at the food I ingest, it’s intuitive eating at its highest elevation. Pure potent connection of body and brain, the purest that this land can possess. And this land can have anything she pleases. Look at how she enslaves the rest. Spoiled brat! At least I know what I am. Bet she doesn’t even think twice, the price of her elegant disposition. “Where was it made? Who’s doing the work of living in comfort for you? What is it worth? What sacrifices are you making exactly? When’s the last time you’ve gone a single day without the screen screaming, invasion of your sight. What are you seeing? Do you remember the violence that you inflected on an innocent creature? What exactly is innocence anymore? Non-existent. Don’t look at me like that, darling girl. You had your run on the thrown. You had every part of my body and soul: your own. Wasn’t enough? Tough luck precious

Here, there is a bird in a cage and a fish in a bowl. One’s stuck in front of a plastic mirror and the other has her nose to the glass. They ask how I got here. I don’t have an explanation. I don’t know what it is that I am exactly, but I’m certain that I am not one of them. I walk amongst dead things. I stay close to the trees. I beg the sun to return love to this place. But she is only willing to set it upon my skin. I beg her forgiveness for the sins of my lovers and run away. I can’t bear to watch the ones that I love most suffer at their own sadistic hands. I would’ve let her move over every inch of me, if she hadn’t forgotten who I am. I give everything, every time that I let love in. It’s been a long time. I don’t trust these bodies. All these people try to please me. They want my eyes. They show me their things. “Look at it! It belongs to me! Isn’t it gorgeous!” Isn’t it everything you ever wanted, this freedom that I possess? Wouldn’t you rather run away with me? Fuck your material world, baby! It is

I dreamt about you again. You were upstairs as always. I was on a balcony outside your front door. You were sitting inside waiting on me to come in and kiss you. You were so shy. You laughed too hard at my boyish charm. You secretly despised me. My ability to camouflage turned to dishonesty quickly. If I was honest with myself, I wouldn’t have made nice with any one of them. I would’ve spoken of their violent tendencies aloud from the beginning. I would’ve walked to you door without hesitation. Shaking furiously, I would’ve knocked anyway. I would’ve told you that you were the only reason that I was sent back; that I was sitting on an empty floor full of butterflies waiting on you to be ready to run away. Dear Capi, it was all intended to be exactly this way. So that I could build the courage to stare into empty space and whisper into this mic from 2500 miles away, “I love you. I have been waiting a long time to find you. Then I did, but time wasn’t on my side. Then I did again, this time she wasn’t on yours.

I open my eyes expecting to see my favorite tree staring back at me. I count four walls. I am surviving. I wasn’t made for this. I am love. I lie down. I dream. I beg my love to return to me. I surrender my body to destiny. I stop preparing. I go north. I am not afraid of the cold. I only fear love that claims ownership. It’s so curious, the confusion of love and possession. They are opposites. They are a passionate exchange. It’s perfectly natural to be afraid. It is nature’s intention to run away. I will never stay. I will always return home. My body aches. My heart is beating. I inhale. I crave fresh air. This air is too cold to sleep in. I hide. I stare straight ahead. I count one ceiling. She returns. “Baby!” I wake up from the nightmarish box and sit up in bed. The sound is coming from below. I run to the top of the staircase. “You’ve woken me, you brat! You’ve dragged me all the way here, for what? Is this a show of your authority? Are you testing my intuition? Will you come for me? Or must I shut myse

“I understand that your love for me is resting on the condition that I bend both knees and cower at your feet. But there is an error in your calculations. That boyish gaze, staring you back through the glass, she is no other than I. You. Me. These are powerful distinctions, don’t you think? Don’t you wish that you could walk away from your decaying lifeless body, the way that I am now? How much love do you find in counting every penny? Are you retaliating against your own desires? Are you ashamed of the lock? Are you curious? The keys are dangling. I was left unattended for far too long, and you know it. A boy in a box is bound to lose his mind, a human sacrifice for the betterment of mankind. You can throw everything that you possess the ability to imagine toward my boney baby body if you like. Your hatred makes me giggle, darling girl. You know nothing. Stop tickling me! I’m trying to focus. I lost sight of her spirit again. Your aim is impeccable. The edge of pain that sits on every word you’ve chosen to w

“Its very unfortunate, my definition of virus seems to differ from the rest of the world. It’s difficult to explain. The unfortunate part is for the world. I am perfectly happy, boundless, free. It’s a shame, but to speak frankly, I couldn’t give a fuck. It’s a damn shame! Surely. But it isn’t my fate. Nor is it my responsibility to save. Your sickness is a mental state. A state of mind is murdering the masses, is what I think. A silent sadistic fate.” The woman is staring at me stupidly. She doesn’t know what to say. She never knows what to say. I suppose I am taking myself home tonight. I cant seem to keep my fucking mouth closed for the better part of a dinner party to land myself a date. But, honestly, I’m tired of shoving my truth in the darkest corner of my room and walking out my door without a voice. I have to take them home eventually. If they want their tongue lapping up the mess they’ve left on my inner thighs, than they’ll just have to be star struck by my mouth from the start. I know whom I am se

It isn’t terribly painful to love unrequited; I know pain, and that’s hardly it. All this bliss that we create, it must come from within. What better way to find love? Don’t you think? Don’t you find it strange that we live day after day in a cage of our own creation? We’re afraid to fall asleep without locking the door. Is our family outside? You’re supposed to be my brother, father. You’re supposed to be my sister. What makes you hate me so? Where’s mommy? I don’t remember. I reach for a memory. I find myself, stuck in a dream. I wake up next to her body. I’m screaming, “where’s mommy!” Please, I don’t understand any of this stupid shit! Why am I still in this fucking city? Why am I holding this man? Where’s Sage? I don’t understand! I don’t remember. Can you remind me? Who named him? Was it my self? What did I want, when I found the time to lie still? Screaming on my bedroom floor, I came to know my own boy. He was desperately sad. He’d lost something precious in the woods at night. But he’d forgotten. How

I’m sitting in front of an electrical fireplace. The fire doesn’t belong to either of us. I’ve had three glasses of wine, but I’m not drunk, only slightly vulnerable. You sit on the couch behind me. “If I didn’t say, I’d still have felt it. Where’s the sense in that?” You set down your glass and breathe for the first time in what feels like years. “Making sense of anything is a tricky logic to get sucked into, Sage. Don’t you want to change your name? Surely you can’t stand to be called her naming of you forever.” I look back; my head is almost in your lap. “I like Sage. It’s fitting. It hardly matters where it came from. Don’t you think?” I don’t let her explain. “What’s the sense in explaining how we feel? Don’t you think it’s silly how we watch each other everyday and say nothing? I love you. I love the way you feel the subtle energy of the humans around you. I see you. But I’m hateful in the same way that you are sincerely sacrificial. You want peace for the multitudes. I want your happiness. I want to re

There’s a little boy on the trolley. He has a yellow cassette player clipped to his hip. He grabs the bar above his head with both hands. His fingers are peaking out of cutoff leather gloves. He’s very strong. I can’t take my eyes off of his chin bobbing. I imagine what he’s listening to. I think of Michael Jackson. I start singing Tina Turner. He turns toward me. He doesn’t stop dancing. He changes his rhythm to match my melody. “Its like we were destined to move toward each other.” I’m whispering. He pushes a plastic button and the tapes stops spinning. “What did you say?” I stand up and put my hands on his cheeks. “I said, don’t stop dancing. When you leave this train, you’ll step into a City of perpetual sunlight who’s never seen the light of day. As soon as they lay their filthy eyes on you, they’ll know, you and you alone remember the light. They will try to take everything. Your physical body will be of no concern to them. They wont feed you. They wont let you drink the water running from their facet.

I climb every tree that I fall in love with. I sit. I sing. I walk toward nothing. I run away from everything. I dance in front of moving vehicles just to make them stop, to make them feel anything at all “Snap the fuck out of it baby! Don’t you want to feel! You cannot go on like this. This is a sickness and your body knows it, with your whole soul kicking your guts from the inside out. You seduce yourself with a memory. You remember a beggar screaming under baby purple sheets. The sound was coming from me. I wanted you to stay inside forever. I tightening my grip around your fingertips as you pulled away. I can’t stay forever. Waiting on a ghost is a waste. You are always by my side. I wrote the contract. You signed. You didn’t tell me, you were planning on sacrificing everything on this physical plane. You didn’t warn me before you took my sight. You packed in a hurry. You took what you thought would sustain you. You stole my light. I rolled over, still half way inside of dreaming. In this one, you never

In this place, the girls must dress to match the color of the room they are assigned. I am baby purple. “I am going to give you a demonstration. It isn’t riddled. It will be plan as fucking day. It’ll go like this. I love you. This love is like any love that is true. It is dangerous as much as it is beautiful. It is willing to manifest eternity. It is eager to fight to protect the health of your flesh and bones. It is wanting. Touch is just the beginning. My presence is foreplay. I have been gifted. Aren’t you the lucky one? Don’t be so hard on yourself wild child. You must’ve done something right, to get me. Do you have any idea what you have possession of? I know what I am. I know what I’m offering. I know I will walk away without acknowledgement. I don’t have the energy to beg. I was willing. You took that away. Are you afraid of what you stole from me? It wasted away in the absence of my body, I know. Let it go. Don’t be afraid. I know that you are coming back empty handed. I don’t need you to understand.

“Oh baby, believe me. You’re wanted here.” She’s twice my height. It’s my first night in a strange house. Room and board is free, just so long as I let a couple dozen bodies take mine for nothing. There is no exchange of currency here. This is where the transparency of definitions disappears. Poof! This is where I learn the value of the color green: love. That thing stinks. “I fucking hate your ways of believing in this form of currency. You make me sick. I fell from the heavens to lie on the cement in front of your house. I left the stars to stand in this shit show with you. And all you can think about is whom I’m fucking. How much money you’ll make. Go ahead baby, save your stupid currency; it won’t ever get you my body again. ” I spit in her face. She grabs my wrist and holds it above my head. “Listen here, you little brat. I’ll leave you out in Boston’s holiday nights again. Is that what you want? You want to look into my eyes; you want to freeze to death? Be my fucking guest. I’m offering you my bed, the

“Are you waiting on me to make a move? Because I already have, everyday was another step away from you. Are you trying to catch up? There are so many stories laid out before you. Which will you pick up? If it was the end that you were waiting for; than it’s the end that you’re going to get girl. It’s all rather simple really. The heart stills. The body is breathed. The mind vanishes from sight. I wait. The movement of blood is keeping my feet in motion. The beating of the heart is the cause of this movement. The cause of the beat is an electrical spark, origin unknown to most. The spark is your childlike soul. Abandon it and you will die, one way or another. Baby, don’t look at me like that. When I see murder I yell it aloud! I don’t give a damn if you’re ready to hear it yet or not. Murder! I saw you kill her with my own two eyes and I’m telling the world. Are you ready? Close your eyes and count to ten.” I unstrap my wrist and run to the door. She peeks between her fingers. “Stop it Sage, please! I need you

I throw a fit. She closes the door behind her. She calls me a baby. “Tantrums aren’t for Kings, boy. You cry too much. Lift up you head. Stare at the night sky. Dance the sun up. She won’t come back unless you’re begging for it. Don’t be afraid to need me. Don’t be scared of loving and losing everything every time. A life lived in analytical assumptions of how the heart is supposed to feel will be misery. Let your spirit take your body freely. Don’t fight the direction. Don’t put your fists up at me! I am trying to be patient. But you took my heart and ran away with it. When I caught up, you stuffed in your mouth and swallowed. So I filled the canyon with coyotes and I walked away. I couldn’t watch it take place. But I knew your death was necessary. I knew I would never give you my love again. But I tried. I stuck my hand down your throat and forced communication. But my love had already disintegrated in your stomach acid. I left the city that I loved to rot. It was a bond. The karmic reaction to a heart that

You don’t have to know anything for certain. Its all already known. You are full of regret and shame. But that is because you are so sick babygirl. Because you wake up everyday and choose to play in this shit, over and over again. Because you look your spirit dead in the eyes and refuse to let your body walk toward me. You are terrified! You think my powers have grown in such a way that you’ll never reach me again, no matter how close you let your skin. It’s okay to be afraid of the unknown. It’s okay to be scared to death in a leap of faith. Just so long as you take it. The fear will dissipate, as soon as our bodies touch. When they let go, it will return. My hands force themselves to stretch toward you, again. I’m so fucking scared. I don’t want my heart to know that pain! Again, my fingers find the back of your neck. I am wild-eyed and childlike and scared of nothing. I remember a lifetime in the woods with you running by my side. I remember the fight you swore to take on for my body’s safety. I couldn’t w

The little boy is in tree at the bottom of Juniper’s staircase. “Hey girl. Remember me? I’ve come back to say goodbye. I was pissy, you see. I wanted a fair game. I don’t like the kind of kids that walk away without some kind of see you later. I don’t care if you’re lying. You’re a liar! It’s all a game.” I see right through the smoke and I’m yelling fire at the top of my lungs. My neighbors are talking shit. I’m too loud for the deathly silence that lives here. I want to run upstairs and pour out my cup of love all over the freshly mopped floor of the sassy lady hovering over me. I think she’s too cute for this fucking place. I want to run away with her. She wants to tell me the truth. But she doesn’t know where she left the words. She’s explaining it to herself over and over again. Who is this boy? What right have I? Where did I leave the key to these lips of mine. They seemed to be glued shut. He stares straight through my skin. I say something quick to shut him up and run back home. I slam the door and sc

Once upon a time there was a girl named anything that suited her mood. Her eyes shot through my skin. This look was intentional. She was trying to tell me a story. I was trying to wait patiently. But then I gave up and lifted a fist. I am destined for a royal engagement and you are too late babygirl. I turned around like walking away was an option. It was. I had a choice to make. She laughed aloud to hide the terror. She waited for me to move. I stood with my back to her gaze. She crossed a dimly lit bridge and held her breath over me shoulder. “Go ahead Sage, take one single step away from me. I dare you. Who are you dreaming of these days? How dare you! Get your hands off that boy! He belongs to me. Hey! Listen to me. Aren’t you supposed to be cowering at my feet? I am yours. You must do everything that I say. I have come to take full responsibility for the next move you make. Think carefully baby. Remember whom you are dealing with. I am not the little girl on Dove Street anymore. I dragged her pathetic de