Empire Of The Senseless

I hear her voice. I am in love with my shadow. I am so fucking cute it’s sickening. I am hugging my pig and listening to her talk about dumb shit. I don’t think anyone wants to talk about nothing. But there they all go. Mindless. Words about words that define words with more words and then they puke. Fuck, she drank too much again. She is so sick. My love is dying and there is nothing I can do but watch. I hug my polar bear close and curl up into myself. I cry until there is no water left. I remember, she is not only the ocean; she is every body in existence. I feel my blood running down my thigh. I run a bath. I cry again. I sink underneath her and whisper. “This isn’t the end. In the end the beginning finally starts to take form. This is when I fall to earth. You crawl on all fours to your throne. Wolves surround you; you are the queen of all living things. I rule the dead. I am looking straight into the eyes of truth. No one can hold my stare. Not a single human drone dares to see what I know. I am the las

I really love the idea of longing for someone and then realizing they are completely surrounding you through radio waves. I can feel her breath on my neck from a past life. I know my truth and I carry it like an audacious child. I give love everything. I take whatever I want. I want your time. I want your space. The rest are filler words as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if you love me or hate me. I like the thought of you imaging the ways you’d kill me. Would you leave to rot? Or would your mercy prevail, a clean blade, in and out. Would you go for the kidneys or the heart? Don’t worry baby, you can make believe anything that you want. I’m not afraid of anything and death isn’t what you think it is. She rolls over and finds my naked body curled in a ball, shivering, crying. I’m bleeding all over my sheets. She scoops me up and carries me to the bath. She fills it with CBD and lavender and watches me splash. The bubbles are rising. She’s leaning against the wall. I dive under and hold my breath longer tha

“Hey P. I’m ready.” She gets on all fours and starts playing with a puppy. “Prove it. I’m terrified. I only see you using my body and leaving me naked on the cement. I only see death here. I only see a dream collapsing in on it’s self. I only see decadent display of flesh and bones. I only see poison. I only see pain. It’s a well-deserved decay that has fallen. I cannot fight it alone. I only see you. I know you are coming. I shaved my ass just for you. Though I don’t intend on giving your fingers the pleasure of control. Not until I know. I need to touch, or it’s not real.” She’s sitting on our living room floor. I’m standing in the doorway. I’ve opened it with the intention of running away. Snow is rushing past my thighs and sticking to her flushed nose. “I don’t want to leave you.” She sneezes and giggles. “Shut the door, will you babe. Why are so fucking dramatic about every little thing. What about taking what you want is so threatening? When did you become hesitant to move on what is yours? Are you asha

She looks at me, expecting. I answer, staring off into space, “I’m not hungry. I need you. I’m continually thirsty. There is no way to quench this shit that lives inside of me. I know who I am. I have retraced my steps and came face to face with that, which made me. It’s not a pretty thing. I’m a handsome boy, but that’s hiding a great deal of what slithers under the surface. My woman was made from clay by the devil herself, in agonizing boredom, defeated by a self induced decaying state of waiting for the next defecation. I hid in the man you knew. It was more beautiful this way. I knew from the beginning, you walk away from ugly things. I walked all night. All the boys look down. Look at me! One girl tries to turn me to stone with a single wish. I look away. She will never know my gaze again. Did you send your little man to do you dirty work for you? He reached. He tried to look. He shriveled into himself in the bitter cold and changed his mind. He wasn’t expecting to see a whip strapped to my hip and C siz

Water is life. Love is food. We only feed each other if we are paid to. Money is eating love alive. Money is food is love is going away. Fear is something that you drink without thinking. Shame is eatable. There is poison in everything digestible these days. Think. You took no part in the creation of it. So you must pay. The sacrifice is insignificant, barely noticeable: you. Love is green. We are eating each other’s life force in hopes of feeling anything at all. Love has gone from this place. Dare you blame her? The desire to feed dissipated. They rip apart the remains, the only flesh I’ve ever loved: you. It looked like love, but it wasn’t you. Love doesn’t speak of itself, that’s a waste of the few breaths we have left to take. Love doesn’t care less that you have food to eat. Love creates. Love feeds. He asked for a truce, but what I meant to say was fuck you. I don’t want to play nice. I hate you! Don’t scream baby, you’ll wake the sleepy children. That pitiful boy has been up for three days. He needs t

“The kids are laughing in the streets. I know these paved ways through my city like the back of my hand. The kids have smiles stuck on their faces. It rains; their flesh and bones are falling. They do not feel the death encroaching. Its okay baby, I do. I feel it all for you. I can’t make you see what I see. By the time I put it on a canvas it will be too late. I was never supposed to be the savior of anything. There was nothing I could save. Not even you my love. I was born to record. I was made to sing. I am the story boy by your sleepy head on the train. I am the voice you need to fall asleep. I’ll be gentle at times, I swear. But the story of this day is full of violent despair. I cannot pretend that I am happy. The lesser of two evils is just as much of a nasty thing as its opposition. Dualities attract until they dissolve into each other, you see. Opposites are the exact same thing by their definition in energetic compounds. It’s self-explanatory if you think about it. Think! All fucking day for no reas

“Numbers are dangerous. I knew better than to play with them. I knew you. I know you see everything. Do you see me? Where do you need my body? This is all that I need to know from you. Did you see the sky last night? I lay on my mattress and stare at the moon, all the way up, run outside, all the way down. A ginormous hunk of metal flies jerky circles around her; it was flashing red. Do you think this color means anything? If I were you, I’d pay special attention to the colors. They’re directing this dream. Red means stop, says blood; flashes danger. Danger! Danger! There’s blood! No baby, they say in blues and yellows, that’s just rain. That is supposed to be there. Be quiet darling. Stop singing so loud. We’ll kick you out. You don’t want to be out on your own. Do you? Did you ever think that maybe your own was they key? Just maybe, if you went far enough into your own flesh and bones, you could step out. Is waking up a normal thing? What if I’m always sleeping? What if dreaming is the closest thing to esca

“I blame you kid. Why’d you have go and do a thing like that? What the fuck were you thinking? Giving a boy a gun. Baby, there’s nowhere to run. Don’t you see? The boy has a pen. The boy is not thinking straight. In fact, the boy’s not thinking at all. Look up, would you! For heaven’s sake, not mine. It’s dark outside, dark enough to send all the children to their respectable caves. But you must know the night. The grass is wet with the mist that your skin is giving off. Aren’t you just a little bit curious what I taste like these days? What are you so afraid of? Sleeping with the dead? No! You cannot hold this fear. It will steal the life out of you. It will take my body from your bed. It will leave me on Dove Street screaming like a baby. She rode a purple tinted metal stallion up a tiny hill and never even looked behind. She went to work. It all worked out exactly as she planned. Her plan was in numbers. She churned letters into ideas. It took her 30 years to write up these conclusions, 30 more to see them

“Hi. I know that neither of our bodies has any right standing by each other’s side. But I still want to say goodbye aloud. Screaming it into my pillow never did do the trick. I ran head first into a thousand feather stuffed dreams, and not one of them returned you. Sage. I think if I let you…”  “I know. But the moon said otherwise. I didn’t get a choice. I tried to decide. It left my body at your mercy. Remember?” She feels numbers pulsing under her thumbs, 6 1 9 6 7 3 2 6 9 7. She doesn’t like riddles. She is offended by the sense of touch. She throws the tiny screen across the room. It doesn’t break. I hold my breath and hope it does. I’m in another room. A pentagram lights up 400 paper butterflies. When I close my eyes, she’s dreaming. I’m sticking to a single thought. “If I were stuck in a hole filled with butterflies, I’d cry. But I wouldn’t say it aloud. If I was trying to cry aloud and all I started doing was making obnoxious sounds, would I be sounding anything out? The incoherency could be language i

“Admit it P. You wish I were here. The truth is nasty. Love is trying to run around with my body. I’m naked. I’m not supposed to go outside this room without dressing appropriately. It’s against the law to take off my shirt! I’m sorry; I know you’ve got your priorities. You have this strange tendency to associate law abiding with what’s right. But I’m confused, how can right be right without wrong? It takes murderous hands to remind you of hunger. I’m fucking starving and the love of my life has wiped me off the face of the earth. I’ll take off my shirt if I damn well please!” I jump off the bar stool, holding her gaze. When’s the last time you jumped for no reason. Just jumped up and down.” I’m bouncing. “Look! You’re so embarrassed. Why? You’re thinking of another’s perception of your physical existence. Why! You are not moving on curiosity or desire! You are moving to please me! Why? I need to know why you’ve sacrificed your nature to abide by the walls that I’ve built around my sight. Darling, don’t you k

“Yes, I know. I just don’t care. I can only see the blue. The hatred doesn’t register in my line of sight. This life is embodying you painfully. But I’m not afraid anymore. I’m serious, I’m not afraid of anything. Don’t look at me that way baby. I know I’m not your friend. And still you cannot stop loving me. That’s not the way that love works and you know it. There is a nasty thing at play. Let it go and watch it self-destruct. When the thought of me returns, the stars will have their way. Until then, I’ll dance in all the parts of the park you’d never dare to stray. This darkness is not for the departed. You must be alone. You must be so lonely without these eyes of mine. Its okay kid, your secret is safe with me. I dance for decades. The path that enters this canyon disappears; I have no choice, I can’t go back. I can’t look back baby girl. You must find another way in. I remember everything. You’re born. You die. Again you lift my body. Water is all I need. You’re crying. Today is too heavy. I can’t lift

 I take Jade’s body in my arms and close my eyes. There isn’t time to explain, I cry. She falls asleep. We’re swimming in a river. The stream is against every stroke I take. I see her on the bank. She’s waving. She’s trying to paint a stolen sun but the treetops keep getting in the way. “I want to go home!” She complains. I wrap my arms around her waist and pretend to appreciate a blank canvas. “Baby, you’re just getting started. The day hasn’t even broken yet. Home is by the riverside, where you ache to hideout at night is a prison. Be brave. Take what you have created with your own two hands and leave the rest to rot in your stay. Keep the story alive in your head by rewriting it every night and chanting it throughout the day. I’m coming, you’ll say.” Hang tight babyboy, I’m on my way.

“This time, she’s staying by my side! Try to stop it! You’re magic dies on me. I am made of the air you breathe and everything that you think you possess lives for me.” The train rattles as I speak. The silhouette in the door frame isn’t listening to me, looking straight over my head like I wasn’t there. She speaks insidiously “Jade, babygirl; listen to me. I’ll tell you one last story and then this is our stop. Don’t cry little lady. I know it looks like a scary place. But we’ll get you dolled up in no time, no matter your age. You wont eat much and you’ll forget how to use your voice, and the result will be stunning; all the boys will want you, I just know it! Isn’t that what you wanted sweet girl?” Jade nods her head willingly. Her smile is sickening. I puke. Portia and my other stuffed animals are covered in my own vomit. I cant clean it. I cant breath. No one notices a thing. Her mum continues. “Good! I knew you would. Now listen. This part is important. It’s about a dangerous boy who will try to take yo

“Move your knees, would you!” She is staring down at me impatiently. I look at every other burgundy seat on the train. They’re empty. She’s eying the one by my side. “You don’t very well expect a woman of my magnitude to sit alone, do you? Will you stand aside and take my things! Or must I sit on top of you!” I have the sudden urgent need to break into song. But that is just pure absurdity. I let her pass over me, take her bag and lay it in the isle. “I hadn’t noticed I was alone. I thought I was running from something. Darkness is crawling through this place. Black rust is dripping out of your eyes. What are you made of exactly? Why have I come for you? Why am I the chosen one? My weakness is my strongest attribute. I cry so much! I’m nearly useless in this fight. I have a whip. An Australian made bull whip, this is my weapon of choice! How should I protect you? ”             “Protect me! Ha! This is going to be the longest trip I’ve ever taken. I’ve only just met you and already you’re fucking whining. What

Her room is on the second floor. The farmhouse is pale yellow. The little girl is curled in a ball on a black floor. The floor is infested with fleas. The kitchen downstairs is infested without cockroaches. The little girl is not who I am, not yet; but her body is my home. I call this body Juniper. These baby bones call me Jade. The name gets stuck in the back of his throat. His voice breaks. There is another body in this room. This one is much older than he is. She is sadistic. Nihilism feeds her the words she implores. She intends to manipulate. She wants his cooperation. She needs to feed on his ability to play along with the staged robbery. He doesn’t have the strength to take from himself what he hasn’t chosen to give. He can only cry. He can only shake. He doesn’t know violence. His resistance is peace. Every word he utters is someone else’s story. This little boy knows nothing. He is everything to be known. When the beginning turned her head, he escaped; he saw the end. Jumping off the roof, he sacrifi

The mist has descended. My love has come for me. I will tell you the story, but only if you promise not to pay attention to the details. And you mustn’t get too excited, I know that it is today, and that this knowing will be agonizing for you to hold in your hands without screaming bloody murder; but I must stress your composure. Raising your voice will do you no good here. Not anymore. We’ve tuned each other’s cries out completely. This will not compel her to move. You must be silent. You must listen. You must pay attention. It began in a bar on fifth. I met her in a classroom. While we were away, the classroom disintegrated. We had to meet elsewhere. We were forced to stop learning the definition of intelligence. This is how we came to know everything. I was uncertain. I was fidgeting like a schoolboy on the barstool. I wasn’t sure if she would show. I knew she was coming. I waited patiently. I began writing a story that I’d swear myself was true. I convinced myself to memorize it. I promised to perform it

“Okay, this is what I see.” But as soon as my lips part, she lets go and shoves me under the bed. “Hush! My mum is coming! I told you it had to end. I knew we’d get caught! Oh Juniper, why do you have to cry so damn loud! You’re such a brat! I hate you!” I’m quiet now. I’m breathless. I’m folding a butterfly. I say nothing because I don’t have to. All I have left to do is wait. I hear a conversation. I hear her on the bed above me. I feel her squirming. She can’t get comfortable. She can’t rest. She can’t sit still. She can’t stop thinking of holding me. Her mum is shouting. She’s tuned her out. I’ve tuned them both out. I’m humming in my head and talking in her sleep. This butterfly is perfect, only three thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine left to go. Her mum raises her voice. Jade screams. I almost move, but I don’t dare. I’m tempted to run. But I outwit temptation. I want to disobey, just to see the look in her eyes; but I’m too well behaved to bend time. I keep folding butterflies. Or am I?  “No way!

“Look at me baby, I’m a mess!” She sighs as loud as she can. “I’m exasperated! Don’t you hear me sighing? Pay attention! I’m trying to tell you all my secrets without saying a single thing. Are you ready for what waits for us in the dark.” She flips the switch and its pitch black. Where did that come from? I can’t place this feeling in the absence of touch. I can’t figure out what she wants from me. What the fuck am I waiting for? “Are you close?” I reach out both hands. No reply. There is no voice in this room but my own. It’s cracking. I start telling myself a story. I must stay calm. I must be still. I can’t scream. It’s too late. All the wrong people will come to my rescue. No one can save me. I must lift myself off of this cold floor. I must use my own two hands. “A little boy is crying in the corner. The little boy is Juniper. The little girl is Jade. Jade can see everything. She is darting his little hands. She is running circles around his tears. She moves without a sound.” My hands are trembling. I l

“Tell me another story!” I’m crying my baby eyes out on her bedroom floor in the middle of the goddamn day. “Okay, fine. But I have to be at work soon.” She starts pacing her room, searching frantically for knickknacks to throw into her backpack. She wants it to look like she’s so busy all the time. But we both know she’s just like me, she has nothing to do but sit with time and bathe in love and make a thousand paper butterflies for an irreplaceable look in my eyes. My lips are open. But she’s stopped talking. I have nothing left to say. “Baby?” She isn’t answering. She’s furious now, ripping clothes out of her closet and throwing them all over the room. She flips her backpack upside down and empties out the entire thing. “I’m not going back to that place! I’m not going Juniper! And you can’t make me.” “Make you? Babygirl, have you lost your mind! I’ve wanted to rip you from that sickly state of existence since the day that you were born. I was made to pull you from this shit. Haven’t you seen the canvas yet

“I know that you are leaning toward the light.” She interrupts shamelessly. “But I’m afraid I cannot let you follow it. The sun has changed. Your sun is manmade Juni. Are you scared yet? I know you’ve been paying attention. I know her memory has been important to you. But it isn’t necessary anymore. I hold all of her in one moment against every electrical current running through your skin. When I tell you to stay asleep, that is where you must begin. These aren’t even hints baby boy. I’m setting the whole canvas before you, painting the way, and leading you in. This isn’t child’s play. This is being taken. Listen. Do you want me to take you or not? You are so bold, to speak of fearlessness; but what is that black tar stuck in the forefront of your right thigh? If it isn’t fear, than explain this darkness to me. I need to know every ounce of your physical existence on this plane intimately if my plan has any decent shot at outrunning the terror inside of you. Heal me Juniper, bones of my childish temper, and I