Get Off My Lawn Podcast W/ Gavin Mcinnes

I start out getting mad at Tina Fey for pooping on America using the cute humor that came from having an awesome midwestern childhood with conservative parents. This leads to chastising all baby boomers for basically doing the same thing. Then, I take a 90 degree turn and devote the rest of the show to this weird mod kid I knew named Matt who kidnapped his girlfriend and went to prison for a long time. Back when we were roaming the streets of New York City, we broke into a Tofu factory and discovered dozens of illegal aliens being kept as slaves.  

Like you, I grew up assuming all jocks were date rapers and all beta-male, feminist ally, stand-up comedians were good people with a heart of gold. Turns out, the opposite is true. It appears nerds such as Chris Hardwick are the ones abusing women while the alpha male jokes are washing the barf off of drunk girls and carefully tucking them in. At the end, we discuss SaveTommy.com and how important it is to pitch in.

Most of this podcast is about the NY Mag article that just came out entitled, “A Company Built on a Bluff.” New Vice and old Vice are obviously denoted by me leaving in 2008 and it certainly wasn’t a bluff back then. I don’t know much about them post 2008 but I’m assuming that when the sales guy takes over the editorial, the content is going to get a lot more advertorial.

I start out railing against schools and teachers and how totally incompetent they all are. New York City schools are way worse than you could possibly imagine. It’s basically one big Animal House (but less funny). Then we get deep into the Nazi myth and how insane you’d have to be to honestly think white supremacy is a real thing and a threat to American society. It’s no less nuts than Bigfoot chasing.

It’s back to adolescence for today’s podcast where I go over all the times I almost died in the 80s. It’s the same for everyone right? Didn’t we all almost drown that one time or we were standing too close to the edge of a building before a perceptive friend grabbed us and pulled us back to safety. I guess the ones who did fall off aren’t hear to read this. Being a teenager is real and it’s fun but it’s not real fun to constantly be kicking the grim reaper in the nuts and asking, “So, what are you going to do about it, wimp?” Thank God we all made it.

Today’s episode is mostly about having kids and how they go from being cute guys who say crazy things to thinking you’re an idiot. Having them hang out with kids who have nannies doesn’t help. I worry that it teaches a culture where adults are your servants. I wonder how the children of these nannies feel about their mom being away. Anyway, this heavy subject matter is peppered with stories about drawing on someone’s face when they’re passed out.

Today I talk about two friends of mine who are in big trouble. I don’t know Roseanne very well but we’ve spoken a few times and she’s never come across as racist - more just obsessed with Israel and the safety of Jewish people. That being said, she should have known the left was waiting to devour any mistake she made and she should have known using the term ape anywhere near a black person was going to explode minds. I know Tommy very well and his case is completely different. The British government is abusing their power and jailing him for a year for simply approaching a group of Muslim pedophiles and saying, “All right, lads. How you feeling about your verdict?"

On today’s Memorial Day podcast we discuss what it’s like to date a woman with spaghetti legs.

To switch things up, I tried recording this podcast in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. It’s about being stoned and how hallucinogenic drugs can help expand your mind - permanently. I haven’t done LSD in about 30 years but whenever I have the hiccups I just concentrate and say, “I don’t want these anymore” and they go away. This is because of acid. Steve Jobs agrees. Well, “agreed."

This rambling hodgepodge of a show was meant to be an involved look at how we grow as adolescents but it quickly degenerated into me punching a boom box in frustration while trying to play tapes of my old bands.

I am on my phone almost as much as you are and we need to stop. It’s preventing us from having deep thoughts and it’s removing us from ourselves. This is making us weaker when we meet new people. Not to sound too LA but when you’ve worked on yourself, you’re more comfortable around people. Like America, if people don’t like you, they can leave. You have to like you first and that begins with getting away from your damn phone (I typed this on my phone BTW).

You ever notice that when a newspaper writes about your hometown or something you know a lot about, they get everything wrong? That’s true of all media. It’s also true of the entire justice system. All my friends are being threatened with jail time for crimes they didn’t commit but we are not going to let that happen.

I’ve lost almost a pound a day with a new diet I invented called “Beer Starvation.” All you do is grab a beer and nurse it every time you’re starving. The only time you can eat is at dinner. That’s it. The end result is a smaller stomach which means, when you finally do eat, you only need a few bites. All this fancy exercise and paleo this and gluten that is just lazy people trying to cheat the basic truth that all you have to do to lose weight is burn more calories than you take in.

I wish I could tell you about my wife and kids more, but crazy people make it a dangerous thing to do. In this ep I talk generally about marriage and what it’s like to have little kids. It’s fun but you need to watch out for the alphas. They are the enemies within and will literally kick you out of bed.

In this pornographic NSFW podcast, I get into the different types of tits and why my friend got AIDS. There’s also the time in high school the uncircumcised guys would fight the circumcised guys by wedgie-ing them to death. The moral of all these stories is men appreciate women a lot more than women seem prepared to admit. Basically, we’d sleep with any woman who hasn’t appeared on “My 600-lb life."

This one is all about evolution. Basically, life is just a magic goo that started out billions of years ago and was meant to be you and me but ended up on all kinds of stuff. Water bears and hammerhead sharks are losers. We won. Also, it’s possible we lived under water for a long time. There’s even a tribe called the Badjao who are doing it right now!

We start out attacking my neighbors for picking up twigs on earth day. Apparently sticks are bad for the environment and buying tons of plastic bags to pick them up is good for mother earth. Then, I talk about my weekend which included hanging out with cops and riding a boat around Manhattan. There were two major fights and Milo Yiannopoulos got chased out of a restaurant but otherwise it was a pretty fun weekend.

I start out crapping on doggie doo doo bags and how much I hate that they’re perfumed. This starts a whole rant about all the things I hate including flip-flops, fake boobs, baby boomers’ ring tones, the beeping sound trucks make when they go in reverse, helmets on ski slopes, and the way restaurants give everyone a gigantic glass of water before anyone orders anything. I thought the common thread for all of these would be deception but self-indulgence and cowardice are also big contenders. When I become dictator, all of this will be abolished.

I start out with a pretty reasonable idea: liberal arts colleges are a complete waste of time and you should only go to college if you’re going to take STEM. However, soon after, I get radical and suggest that grade school should be about 80% recess with only a few, curious students doing any real studying. Sure, they should learn to read and write but the rest should be up to the few who really want to learn. Oh, and kids should also have random jobs like building license plates. This new structure would leave a society with only about 5% getting higher education. Good. Now we have way less student debt and way more tradesmen. Insisting everyone is smart is stupid.

In this sizzling hot episode, I gossip about my eight years at Fox News and dish all the gossip while naming names. The short version is that it’s a great place to work with very moral people but their hiring practices are a little too PC for a straight, white male like myself. The long version is, well, the long version is this podcast.