Get Off My Lawn Podcast W/ Gavin Mcinnes

"Y'all are brutalzing me" exclaimed Ronnie Dobbs and I know how he feels. This conspiracy theory-laden ep has me ranting like Alex Jones about the "sociiofascists" on the "alt-left" who push #Fakenews about me being a Nazi who helped organize Charlottesville. The real point of this ep is to show the gray area between "Globalist billionaires are sabotaging my life" and "Some leftist political groups engage in harassment."

After discussing the bizarre phobia W.A.S.P.s have with the common wasp, I get into this culture of fear we live in where men are so scared someone will see their penis, they urinate in the bathroom stall. I don’t know if this kind of stuff angers you but it drives me crazy. I don’t know why I care so much about how other people behave but everything from flip-flops to people who pick their nose drives me up the wall. Then, we get into America’s obsession with race and how that subject dominates the national conversation while the opioid epidemic and child molesters are totally ignored.

I know it's September 11th but instead of talking about the most effective blow against the West in the history of warfare, I'd rather talk about Westfest where Proud Boys from all over the world go to Vegas to get wasted and fight. It was real fun but I drank so much I am doing this podcast with a hangover that could easily be in the Guinness Book of World Records. 

Insipired by a video Stossel did called "How Government Caused the Boy Crisis" I take a look at the different roles moms and dads have in a marriage. I do all the driving. She does all the cooking. I handle the outside of the house. She handles the inside. I tell the kids not to shit their pants. She consoles them if they do. It works. 

I sit down with my right hand man Ryan Katsu Rivera and we discuss his ability to do impressions. I can’t do them. Is that because I haven’t tried or is it just a skill you can’t acquire. Would I be able to do Tony Soprano if I worked on it for hours at a time? I don’t think so. There has to be some kind of physical traits your born with that enable you to mimic sound better than others.

I start out talking about how awesome strip clubs are which doesn’t make sense because I haven’t been to one since my daughter was born. Doesn’t that mean there’s something depraved and sexist about them? Whatever. The bigger picture here is men are depicted as these drooling creeps but we’re actually very reverent. We appreciate women’s bodies. How about women appreciate all the awesome stuff we do like build garbage trucks? Those things are pretty involved. I think we could all do with a heaping dose of reverence and respect for all of man’s creations and that includes strippers.

After two weeks on the lam, I’m back to talk about my road trip and all the weird places I visited in Niagara Falls, rural Ontario, and Montreal. Turns out Niagara Falls is trashier than ever, rural Ontario is still paradise, and Montreal has completely lost its mind. 

Austin is banning bands and ruining their careers for not following the rules. I don’t want artists to follow the rules. I don’t even want them to know what the rules are. Same with movies. I don’t want to know how actors feel about climate change and the latest tax cuts. I want to pretend they are being chased by CIA operatives through Budapest. We keep ruining art by dissecting it and exposing every intimate detail. That’s like watching a chick get ready to go out. It ruins the surprise.

I start out talking about how productive you can be and if it’s predetermined. I also ask if taking drugs like Adderall can change that amount which gets me on a tangent about being introduced to the drug by Johnny Knoxville and what it was like hanging out with the Jackass dudes. It was fun because they’r’e fun. There’s a moral there and it’s simple: Don’t do drugs. OK maybe do some but know you’re just borrowing from tomorrow’s productivity. 

What was supposed to be a funny episode about all the cute things my five-year-old does, quickly spirals out of control and becomes an angry old man rant about water, elaborate drinks, and the fact that 100% of kids in America are addicted to staring at various screens. If they’re not playing a video game they’re watching a video of someone else playing a video game and this constant over stimulation is leaving them with no creativity and unable to play like normal kids. It’s an epidemic and it’s destroying an entire generation’s childhood.

This is a very serious episode about jokes and what’s happened to them. Political correctness has infiltrated all of comedy now and the result is sketch comedy, stand-up, movies, and TV are only allowed to offend one group: kids. Comedy is still wildly offensive but only in regards to that group. The end result is the bits become even more disgusting because you’re seeing comics handle blacks, Jews, gays etc with kid gloves and then treating children like they’re human garbage.

Initially my teachers thought I was gifted but after doing a few tests, they realized I was borderline “special needs” and put me in a class with the dumbest kids in the school. The strange thing about this class was it also included kids who teachers just didn’t want to look at. There was an autistic kid, a hemophiliac, and some random chick dying of cancer. They all had good grades but they made teachers uncomfortable so off to the Special Class they went. 

In today's episode of "Living in the suburbs" we meet a weird dude who's been meditating and praying in front of my house. After confronting him and assuming he was a complete mental patient, I saw him being normal at a bar where a black guy stormed in and threatened to kill us all, first with a baseball bat, then with a gun.

I begin the show celebrating the 35th anniversary of my favorite temper tantrum: the time George Brett attacked a ref for calling off a victory due to some stupid rule about the bat. Then we examine the time Brett got food poisoning and poo’d his pants. This strangely segues into guns and what it would be like to be a ghost.

In this cockamamie theory episode, I posit the assumption that you need to be at least tangentially associated with the Mediterranean to be good in bed. Girls from Montreal are good lays because they are originally French and the south of France is on the Mediterranean. Girls from Toronto, however, are not even remotely linked to that body of water and despite having kick ass bodies, they do not know what to do with them.

This was the speech I was going to do for my parent's 50th Anniversary party but my dad kiboshed it because he said his friends are 70 now and they don't like swear words. Oh well, his loss is your gain. 

I start off laughing at sleepwalkers and all the stupid stuff they say but this somehow drifts into a talk about 9-11 and what it was like in NYC that day. Then it gets all heavy and I start crying like a little bitch.

I had food poisoning the other night and I can't help but think it was my history with LSD that enabled me to overcome the last barf session. This leads to a discussion about the long term effects of hallucinogenic drugs. 

This ep is all farts all the time as I delve into how bad flatulence can effect how your wife feels about you. Being Scottish and also a severe alcoholic means I have a weak stomach that is constantly being abused. That leads to toots that are so severe, I’ve often had people in public assume there was some kind of chemical spill (not in Glasgow, of course, they know what time it is there because they have the same problems). I make a few small tangents about not being vulnerable around your significant other but this ep is almost fanatical in it’s dedication to fart talk. Actually, if it was a talk show it would be called Fart Talk with Gavin McInnes.

After a weekend of rioting, I focus on one particular punch that summarizes the problem with millennial arrogance. Why would you pick a fight with someone who could clearly kick your ass? Because he’s a Nazi? I don’t get that. First of all, he isn’t. Secondly, if he was, aren’t you scared of him? I used to fight Nazi skinheads in the late 80s and I was petrified of every confrontation. They were very scary dudes and they kicked the crap out of us on a regular basis. This somehow segues into the number of women in action movies and how distracting it is to see a super model murder a gang of thieves who rob banks during hurricanes.