Let's Watch That Instead

Viewers, have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them? Well that's what happened to me and editing this episode, I just loved editing it so much it came out like four months late. But all love is fleeting, and in the end even this affair must end. So enjoy a highly romantic episode about Hallmark original movies that sound a lot like pornos. The Blurbs This Week Growing the Big One / Emma and the Giant Pumpkin - "Depending on the standards of the community you live in, there will be some light vore." The Good Place / Un-Harrowed - "Are we talking about training for the transcendence of the soul? Or just like, the Buddhist hell of being skinned alive?" The Beautiful Beast / Moon Lusters - "He'll run into a ski lift pole right in the wang." Super Dark Times / The Banana Split - "It's my liver now!"

Don't ask where we've been all this time, just be glad your Dad finally came home from his trip to buy cigarettes at the store after 6 months.   The Pitches This Week The Conjuring/Dead Links - "I mean I want to dig up Ed Warren's Bones and use them as decoration." Erased/Futurama the Movie: For Real This Time - "So it's a reverse 'Community,' 7 movies and a season." The Toys That Made Us/The Dolls -"The More you breakdown the blurb, the more problems it has with itself." Godless/Open Carry New Hampshire -"It's French for 'beautiful.'"

We've well and truly lost it this week folks. The blurbs are so bad we've gone and lost all higher brain function, first losing our ability to chose, and having the Crunchy Roll just barf out a random anime for us to steal a blurb from. Then poor sweet innocent Joe learns about the existence of Esperanto, and that throws him for a loop. We lose all track of time as apparently this was supposed to be a Christmas episode, and finally we legitimately start talking in gibberish for the last ten minutes of the episode. The Blurbs This Week Monster Musume: Everyday Life With Monster Girls/Monster Road Trip - "Oh, now that you're framed for murder, NOW you want to come in for dinner." The Keepers/Violent Habits - "You could name each episode after a different body part you find." Folktales From Japan/Melting Pot - "The dog is bad ADR." The Factory/Grammar Police - "The dog is soup."

Learning to love again is hard to do. This week on Let's Watch That Instead love proves itself stronger than mad science twinning gas, the definition of sentience, and several concurrent nuclear apocalypses as we pitch a bevy of romance movies with happy endings for everyone. The Pitches This WeekMubarakan/The Twinning of the Shrew - "I assume it's the aristocratic Peninsulares, who are just the worst." CHAPPiE/Do Androids Dream of Ramming Deep? - "CHAPpO is a robot and has no sexual identity, thank you very much." Before We Go/Hotel Story - "The Man is not magical, it's the apartment." Van Helsing/Society Pages Bloodbath - "All the Dracula babies will die."

Hey Felger, hey Maz, first time, long time. Listen, I was watching this here anime on crunchyroll.com, that's some kind of streaming service that focuses on anime, you know those cartoons from Japan, and I just had to call you guys. You see I just noticed how closely Crunchyroll works with that vrv website, like Crunchyroll is Tom Brady, and vrv is The Gronk! You wouldn't think an anime website would have a lot of overlap with a big sports guy like me, but for me, I actually think it's a quality player. So the blurbs there just totally blow, like whoever wrote them translated them all wrong or some crap like that, and then it got me thinking about stuff like piloting the moon like a space ship, and bombs that make people stupid, and what if Gods played basketball like the Celtics? I'll leave you with this last thought though, what if Dracula was in the future and wanted revenge? Okay, thanks for hearing me out, let's hope we can make it to the playoffs this year. The Pitches This Week: Qualidea Code / Brain D

Welcome wrigglers to the Sandcast, the internet's only podcast about Sandworms and those they devour. Todays topic of discussion: What makes Sandworms so scary? Is it an instinctual flight response to slithering creatures? A manifestation of masculine anxiety? The disconnect of something moving through solid matter as if it were water? As we all know, sandworms love vrv.co, a streaming platform for the modern age Is it any good? Can a Sandworm's advanced digestive system extract sufficient water from it's content. Will the bad grammar in the blurbs anger these terrible beasts? We'll explore all these topics and more, like: a supernatural rescue that may or may not have been successful, the inescapable orbit of Dax Shepard, geography lessons, and the two kinds of sports movies that exist. The Pitches This Week: Silent Hill/Stuck In Neutral, British Columbia - "Neutral Fog Hotel." I Can See You/Without a Paddle 3: Forest Rave Acid Adventure - "That charisma powerhouse that is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo." Nerdland/S

Hello? Butterball Hotline? I have an emergency. You see me and my friend Joe just uploaded an episode of our podcast about 80's super-pop bands from outer space, tiny water spiders that wear rain drops as hats but giant, and terrifying monstrosities who are just trying to keep their marriage interesting. What's this have to do with turkeys you ask? Well, I'm getting to that, you see we were just talking about the streaming platform vudu when... Huh, they hung up. The Pitches This Week Residue/The Addams Family Meets The Munsters: After Dark - "Did you know Tom Noonan was in that? Tom Noonan was in that. Now you know." Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy/80's Death-Pop - "So she's from a welders goggle crazy future where everyone lives in just the one steam tunnel." From Dusk 'Til Dawn: The Series/The Law West of the Pecos Quadrant - "I think it's more interesting to bring cowboys into the future, then you can give them laser guns. Pew-pew-pew!" Big-Ass Spiders!/Spidernaughts - "From that one episode of Monk. He p

I'm not sure it's within our power to scare you anymore what with living in a modern hellscape and all. To that end we start the show by being tormented by (a total legal parody of) a real life bloodsucker, as we try in vain to find something to scare you with. We get pretty close by using the word "transgenderism" completely incorrectly like five times, and bring back the terrible specter of Twins. But things stay pretty unspooky, mostly because Shudder's blurbs got even better since last year so there's essentially no point in making fun of them. Anyways, Happy Halloween. The Pitches This Week: Don't Kill It/Demon Baby Daddy V. Pharmacuetical Nightmare - "Is the world ready for another 'Twins'?" Shark Lake/Shark Week - "We could almost get away with titling it 'Raging Bull Shark.'" Boys in the Trees/Hey There Cowboy - "Super black, super gay, I'm tired of the whitewashing." The Awakening/You Little Dybbuk of a Kid - "The dead could destroy you utterly if they wished it."

"...I just burst out into a spree of uncontrollable swearing whenever that crazy moe blob girl appears onscreen." That's the line you missed because I didn't start recording this crazy long winded discussion of the anime Casshern ~Sins~. I don't know how we got started on it, but it got so big and crazy that it ran over the intro and invaded the rest of the podcast. Eventually we do settle down and actually pitch some dang movies and TV shows, there a spooky bed sheet ghosts, thugged out Queen Mothers, and woke as hell Christian Bales, and it's all good stuff. I just want your main take away to be Casshern ~Sins~ is a weird show, The Pitches This Week Vexed/Stop or the Queen Mother Will Shoot -"Oh, Reverse Opium Wars. Revenge opium." The Good Neighbor/Just An Old Fashioned Ghost in the Internet Age - "I'm sure if you gave me time I could invent some new drugs." Metropolis/The Wandering City - "Be as weird as you wanna be baby." Cyborg 009: Call of Justice/MasterBlaster McBeal -"Do they hunger for meat? Or onl

Good news everyone! We've become degenerate sellouts. First we take several lucrative sponsorship contracts, and by some, I mean every one possible. Joe let's the money get to his head pretty quickly as he makes racially insensitive remarks about Bollywood cinema, then seems oddly sympathetic towards a murderer/ sex pervert. I don't fair much better, doing enough drugs to cause Audacity to crash on me three times during the recording of this episode. This podcast town has used us up and spit us out, so follow us in the classic story of getting it all and then losing it all upon the boulevard of broken dreams. Creepshow 2: Survey Slays - "He's got super-villain eyebrows." War of the 'Woods - "I'm going to put you on speaker phone. Hey Arjun, is this racist?" Get On Lenigan's Level - "It comes up right away, 1938 Edition of Esquire - Oh no..." Tokyo Red Light Disrict - "Is she a porn ghost or a church ghost?"

We get off to a slow start here with a few pitches that don't quite get where we want to go with them. The first two aren't bad, but compared with the last two pitches they don't even compare. So stick with us through our brief jaunt into the etheric plane, an overview of people who have too many teeth (including me!), and the death of ALF. Then we get into the good stuff, a spooky short film about a school from the shadow dimension and a post-apocalyptic pirate boxing epic. You read that right, boxing pirates. So let's get to it. The Blurbs This Week The Scorpion King 4 / You Are Dead Sir: "Have you seen a picture of Jay Leno lately?" Ray Donovan / Sundae Boulevard: "The three of them are just strongly eliding that they're playing The Animaniacs." The Silence / I Wonder Whatever Happened To Them After Graduation: "Put this in the 'should actually make this' pile." Black Sails / Davey Jones Boxer: "And he comes into the ring draped in a Jolly-Roger."

Aww geez, I'm running late and gotta get this description up. Look key points here: famous dead people, something that's definitely not The Hunger Games or anime, Bela Lugosi's dead, and mathematical impossibilities in short film form. Keeping it short, because who has the time these days? I gotta jet, but do enjoy this short but excellent burst of madcap Let's Watch That Instead antics. The Pitches This WeekWar Machine / General Trig - "He played a very convincing shirtless guy in Contact." My Girl / Space Madness From Psycho-5 - "This blurb is gaslighting me." Ultimate Beast-Master / Blood Nation: The Reckoning - "The Love Triangle is a diabolical weapon deployed by The Beast against his helpless captives." Barton Fink / Pillars of the Film Society - "Henrick Ibsen, who and when are you?"

Howdy folks, long time no pod. We're back in it by spending the first 20 minutes lost in the weeds about ASMR, disapproving dads, the proletariat of the Gauls, Goths and Vandals, and how the fuck does Twitter make money. Then we get lost in a different kind of garden plant talking about the sexy scissoring in Blue is the Warmest Color. Now, me and Joe are deffo hetero bro's, but even we've read enough Sapho to know that that's a Lesbo no-go. Anyways, enjoy. Our Lovers/Saw: Nein - "We can make this a Troma movie."  Burying the Ex/Zombie Wave - "You're love-making is at best mediocre." No Tears for the Dead/George Hitmanopolis' Greatest Hits - "First thing in the rider is that we get to write our own blurb." Blue is the Warmest Color/I Will Have Had Better - "In reality Merlin wasn't really the son of a demon."

What started out as a show themed around Netflix blurbs that were entirely inaccurate quickly turns into Joe making a series of startling revelations. You can generate the plot of literally any horror movie by modifying the indirect object in one sentence, Ghost-lookers are real, Columbo has been running for like 40 straight years, and Joe has the ability to predict exactly what I did the day before. It's uncanny I tell you. Also uncanny, how incorrect these blurbs are, and also the weird places we take them, exploring concepts like "The Necronomicon for Chumps," 30 Day Free Trials of Second Sight, and Bachelor Party Season, and that's not even getting into the meat of these pitches. See what I mean? Uncanny. The Pitches This Week The Babadook/Ghoul Dad - "Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, we've been having a problem with your son Shaun." Puella Magi Madoka Magica/Fatal Frame: Ghost Foxes - "We don't have funding for this, but neither do you so lets talk Uwe Boll." Escape From New York/Let's Go To Prison 2: Prison Harder

In this episode, me and Joe find a pod to call our own, we have a conversation over Google Phone, we write a teleplay that'd be a start, and we don't complain 'bout our stupid plots. That's right, this week we're talking about regrets, specifically movies we regret watching. We regret the restructuring of Happy Madison Pictures, we regret not getting our eight dollars back from Joel Shumacher, Joe regrets not knowing whether or not Woody Allen is Jewish, (spoiler warning he is), and I regret what had to be done with that carbon rod. So please, listen to this episode, you won't regret it. The Pitches This Week Judge Dredd / Schneider-Quest - "This'll be the best Rob Schneider film ever made, because you'll never actually have to see him." Small Soldiers / Jaxx - "This is rapidly taking on the qualities of a fever dream." Mortal Kombat: Annihilation / Jews in Space 2 - "We're going to get so many letters from the ADL about this." Human Centipede / Three Kyle Island - "That sounds like an important word."

We've cracked the code! Finally, we've found the common root from which all streaming blurbs spring. Now everything makes sense, the poor grammar, the vague wording choices, the incurious air exuded by the authors of all the blurbs, where have we seen these before? See if you can guess at home folks, as we dive into some deep structural analysis of what makes a blurb tick. The Pitches This Week: Fear of 13 / A Parliament of Ravensburgs - "Well he kills them with a jigsaw obviously." One-Punch Man / The Adventures of Super Lady and Loser Boy - "She can't get involved in politics because she can rip a space station in half." Ingovernable / I Should've Voted For Lizard-People - "His delusions are both grand, and terrifying." Happyish / Smile! - "There will be some scenes where he tries out love and several other lesser emotions."

And the Award for Timely Content Uploads goes to... Well anyways we're here now, and we've got a doozy of an episode for you, wherein we tackle the most prestigious and worst written bad blurbs imaginable, the blurbs for the Oscar nominees. Be forewarned that much shade shall be thrown upon The Academy of Motion Pictures, The Seventh Day Adventists (sorry Deb), Racist Ass H. P. Lovecraft, Racist Ass Call of Duty: Ghosts, and former Australian Tennis Pro Mark Philippoussis. We're swinging wild here and hitting anything within reach. Also both of my pitches involve tennis courts for some reason, and both of Joe's pitches hinge on ancient Sumerian Gods, so... Yea, it's going to get a bit esoteric, literally. The Pitches This WeekHacksaw Ridge / The Breakfast of Champions: No Wait, the Other One - "That shit would curdle... literally." Manchester by the Sea / Innsmouth by the Sea - "Didn't the cat have an extremely racist name?" Lion / Saroo Philippoussis - "Is Mark Philippoussis actually made out of plastic?" La

Tonight on Let's Watch That Instead: our expose on Crackle. Crackles interface is terrible, its content restriction tools nonexistent, and its blurbs are even worse than Netflix. So strap in kids, this is going to be a good one. We're asking the hard questions in this episode, like is Crackle dying? Yes it is. Also What would happen if G. Gordon Liddy was reincarnated as a black man who had super-powers? Can a TV show get away with reusing animation from Robo-Tech even more than the original Robo-Tech did? What do you get when you cross a Cenobite with a vampire? Is there any such things as a bad CW crossover?Listen to this exciting episode for us to put the snap and pop back into Crackle. The Pitches This WeekBlue Thunder / Gundam Double O 00: A Documentary of What Might Have Been - "This helicopter Gundam was double parked and he impounds it." Spawn / G. Gordon Lightning - "The sad thing is, is that I think it's a pretty good representation of the Spawn Movie." Chosen / HellRaiser X Buffy - "Boy this guy re

A new episode just in time for the new year! By which I mean the lunar new year, that's the system we're all using right? Good I thought so. This week we're pitching TV series mostly, but then things get pretty weird. We get religious for a bit, talk about the mechanics of tossing someone in a wood chipper, and pitch something Mads Mikkelsen would be perfect for. Call us Mads! The Pitches This Week: Clueless / St. Catherine's Guide To High School: Put It In The Books - "I do assume some of your myriad cousins came into being via budding." Four Seasons In Havana / Death Chef - "Mads Mikkelson will totally carry this entire project by himself. Like, we don't even need a script." Clerks / We Can Probably Sell This Shit To [adult swim] - "These are the worsts alchemists." Stardust / Michigan Quest - "This is your fault twitter."

Podcasting is nothing if not an excuse to show everybody on the internet how cool your friends are. To that end we invited over our good friend Sidney Batchelder and came up with some silly movies. Sidney proved surprisingly game at following through with Let's Watch That Instead's silly premise, and brought along a bevvy of schlocky blurbs with him for us to have some fun with. We put Sidney's improv comedy skills to the test, Joe has some exciting new ideas for funeral rites, and Ed once again pitches a plot that hinges on spilling a lot of ball bearings on the floor. So tag along this week, in what I feel is quite possibly the best episode yet, as we explore the world of technosexuality, robo-tokenism, and gamma-irradiated alcoholism. What are you waiting for you fool? Press the play button already! The Pitches This Week Son In Law / Son and Daughter In Law - "So does techno-sexuality play into the plot of this film?" Runaway / Cold Steel - "Is he the guy who makes the soup?" Seraph of the End: Vampire Rei