Locker Room

Picking up where we left off last episode discussing Jason & Shelley Martinkus' 'Guard Your Marriage' session from our Men's Conference. We start off discussing the 7 building blocks of a healthy marriage and where we can shore up our relationships. Link to video from the session: Guard Your Marriage, with Jason & Shelley Martinkus 1) Jason mentioned seven building blocks of intimacy for spouses: Recreational (having fun), Proximal (being close), Spiritual (what God is doing), Intellectual (good conversations, dreaming), Emotional (learning to be empathetic), Physical (non-sexual), Sex. How did this shift your paradigm of connecting with your wife? And also being connected with by your wife? 2) Which one of these do you do the best and how? Which one of these is most challenging? 3) Hatfield had a great line, “Your wife is not a body, she is a soul.” How does that confirm or challenge the way you view your wife? 4) Nickell mentioned hopes and dreams versus expectations and demands in our marriages. Wh

Hatfield & Nickell go in-depth on the 'Guard Your Marriage' session with Jason & Shelley Martinkus from our Guarded Men's Conference. Link to a video from this session: Guard Your Marriage with Jason & Shelley Martinkus 1. When is the last time you had a real, honest talk about sex with another brother in Christ? How did it go? What did you not say that you should have been honest about? 2. Read Proverbs 7. What are some of the words, phrases, or images from this text that stood out to you? What resonated with you? 3. After watching Jason and Shelley Martinkus’ session at Men's Conference, what helped you find clarity on your battle against temptation and for sexual purity? 4. What direction were you given while you were growing up surrounding sexual temptation and how to find freedom over it? What was your first exposure to porn and how old were you? 5. If your wife asked you, “Is there anything I need to know?” would the question haunt you or give you hope? Why? What would you want to tell her i

Scott Hatfield is back on the podcast to unpack 'father wounds' -- the pain and trauma from our past. We talk about the impact it still has in our lives and how with God's help we can own our wounds, find freedom and settle the past. 1. How do you react when you hear the term “father wounds?” 2. As a boy, how did you figure out how to be a man? 3. Some causes of father wounds are neglect, absence, and abuse. How have any of those reasons given you wounds? 4. Who filled the father role in your life? In what ways did they fill that role well? How did they struggle in that role? 5. What are some destructive patterns you have in your life that are a result of unhealed wounds? (Extreme bitterness, great rage, unworthy, incompetent, unloveable?) 6. Do you passively or aggressively respond to your wounds? How does that play out? 7. Is your version of God representative of the picture of your father? Was he a demanding rule follower? Passive aggressive? 8. How are the wounds you have received going to change the way

In this episode Scott sits down with Josh Garrett and Qaaim Stainback to discuss the 'Guard Your Gospel' session with Lecrae from our Guarded Men's Conference. Link to a video from this session: Guard Your Gospel, with Lecrae 1) On this episode, race and racism was at the forefront of discussion. What has been your experience with the discussion surrounding race? 2) Josh mentioned that Lecrae asked, “Who am I to withhold forgiveness?” Forgiving others is one of the hardest aspects of following Jesus. How have you been hurt and what did your healing process look like? 3) Lecrae mentioned that kids only get one dad and that his ultimate role in life is as a father. How does that resonate with or challenge you? How do you struggle with the tension of getting distracted from what is most important? 4) Lecrae exhibited great humility in not naming the influential Christian Leaders who had hurt him. What has been your experience with being hurt by the church or it’s leaders? What is your response in times of betray

In this episode Scott sits down with Spencer Hahn and Evan Wehrle to discuss the 'Guard Your Family' sessions from our Guarded Men's Conference. Links to videos from the sessions: Guarded Men's Conference Session 3 - Matthew Bradford Guarded Session 4 - Scott Nickell 1) What comes to mind when you think about guarding your family? What are areas of strengths for you? What are areas of weakness? 2) Israel’s problem as well as Sampson’s was that they “did what was right in their own eyes.” What are areas of your life you often try to justify as right so you can do them? 3) Sampson lived one of the most unguarded lives we see in the Bible. As men, intentionality is crucial for us to protect our loved ones. What are some areas, if you are honest, that have slid off your priority list? What are some simple steps you can take to start loving your family well this week? 4) Fundamentals are essential, both in sports and in protecting and providing for our families. How do you incorporate prayer and time in the Word i

Scott Hatfield shares wisdom gained through years of ministry in many different contexts. 1. The culture has to change in our church and that begins with men stepping up. Who are you investing in intentionally? Who is investing in you? 2. Someone will one day pick up and continue the legacy that you left behind… what legacy are you currently writing? What pieces are you going to leave behind? 3. Who are you? What is God’s character? What does your Bible study and prayer time look like? What does your accountability look like? What issues from your past still plague you and need to be put to death? What armor do you need to put on? What is your kryptonite? What is your mission? 4. What drives your life and perception of yourself: What God thinks and says of you or what the world thinks and says of you? What roadblocks keep you from resting in your identity in Jesus? 5. Men sometimes don't lead because of a variety of reasons: incompetence, comparison, hypocrisy, or because they think it's for women. Which of t

Scott kicks off season 5 with a look at the book of Proverbs. 1. Proverbs was written for boys. It was the collected wisdom of a Father written down for his son. When you hear the word wisdom, what thoughts come to mind? 2. You can be a grown man by age and size but a boy by the measurement of Proverbs. How do you tend to measure your maturity and manhood? 3. Proverbs is primarily focused on two words: Wisdom and Discipline. Wisdom is “skillful living”, kind of like a tradesman. It’s useful, helpful. Producing things of lasting value in the community you find yourself living in. In what ways are you contributing lasting value to your family, church, friends, and neighbors? 4. Discipline means “moral discipline”; it is the necessary companion to wisdom. It is correcting flaws while developing integrity. Solomon often compromised his wisdom with his lack of moral discipline. Lack of discipline in one area of our lives will seep into all other corners of our lives. You cannot manage sin. Where in your life are y

In this episode Scott, Chris and Derrick circle up to review the four freedom killers we discussed in Season 4 and share strategies for dealing with them. Throughout this season of Locker Room, with which freedom-killer have you identified the most? How does it manifest in your life?  One of the signs of insecurity is defensiveness... not allowing ourselves to hear and process the opinions of others, and the inability to take in new information, especially when it contradicts our own opinions. Where and when do you find yourself being the most defensive? Defensiveness stems from trying to protect our identity whenever we believe it to be at risk or under attack. Where do you see your identity might be based on things that are unhealthy—on anything other than in God?  Talking more than listening is another sign of insecurity. When do you see this rising up in you? Do you tend to be aware of it “in the moment” or not? How can you become more so? Accomplishments and compliments can also feed our insecurities. W

In this episode Scott reads from and discusses two books: The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell & John Gray; and Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn. Describe your family dynamic growing up. Who was most influential in your life? How is the health of your relationship with your dad? What has caused it to be that way? “The Boy Crisis” reveals that dads are important because, when sons see their dads, they see who they can become. What future are you modeling for your kids?  Dad-deprived kids are more likely to suffer in many areas: Grades and awards, skipping school, expulsion from school, not finishing school, joining gangs, suicide rates, drug use, homelessness, sexual abuse and victimization, and much more. Dad-deprived kids are less likely to be employed, get married, stay married, be a good dad themselves. How are you contributing to this trend? How are you contributing to the solution? How are you intentionally investing in your wife? How are you pursuing her? What rhythms do you have in place to pra

In this episode Scott and guest Gary Black tackle how our struggles with shame--both from things done to us and things we have done--rob us of our identity. We'll talk about how God wants to restore us and steps we can take towards peace. Shame is usually rooted in things we have done or things that have been done to us. Which of these do you resonate with most? Why? Gary mentioned that we should never introduce ourselves or define ourselves by our deficiencies, but rather as a much-loved creation of God who therefore has significant value and worth. What self-deficiencies tend you plague your self-definition? How do you think Jesus would define who you are? Shame can come from many different sources, even those we are unaware of. It can come from ourselves, our church, teachers, coaches, parents, spouses, friends, even strangers on social media. Which relationships have caused you to be the most aware of shame? What was it that was done or said that has hurt you the most? In the battle against shame, we nee

In this episode Scott talks about self-righteousness and how it kills our freedom. The episode begins with a reading recommendation from Scott - How to Exasperate Your Wife and Other Short Essays for Men by pastor and author Douglas Wilson. 1) Ask yourself the question, “If my household was a story, what kind of character would I be in it?” Would you be the good guy? The bad guy? The knight in shining armor? The villain? 2) Godly discipline is not confined to one aspect of our lives. It affects everything, it spreads to everything, and is always growing. We see that lust produces envy, strife, and discontent whereas self-control produces patience, kindness, and joy. In your life, are you currently experiencing more envy or more patience? More strife or more kindness? More discontent or greater joy? 3) Discipline drives us to be the people we are becoming daily. What type of person do you want to become? What disciplines are required to become that person? 4) Self-Righteousness is a freedom killer, and one rea

In this episode Scott expands more on fear and how men can face it head-on. We wrap this week's episode with a challenge. 1) Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is action in spite of fear. What thoughts, situations, or concerns create the most fear in you? What fears paralyze you to inaction? 2) The pathway to courage is vulnerability. C.S. Lewis once said, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” So if vulnerability is the power by which men push through to courage, why are we afraid to place ourselves in positions of vulnerability? 3) Why do men view vulnerability as a weakness and not a strength? What areas of your life are you least willing to be vulnerable? 4) It is easier to abdicate responsibility than to carry it. What responsibilities at home, work, and with friends do you find the most burdensome? 5) Brene Brown shares examples of vulnerability such as: Voicing an unpopular opinion, asking for help, saying no, starting my own business, initiating sex with my wife, calling a friend whose child h

Scott talks about fear and how it robs us of opportunities in our lives. 1) Scott mentioned that “fear is not a sin.” How did your upbringing in your family and church either confirm or contrast with this statement? 2) The most common command in the Bible is to not fear, however fear dominates most people's lives. How has fear, anxiety, and stress affected your life? What do you think causes most people to live in fear when we are called not to? 3) Jesus Himself being fully man experienced fear—we see that in Luke 22:44. Fear made Jesus tremble but did not divert Him from His mission. Jesus’ fear drove Him to obedience, not disobedience. How do you respond when you’re overcome with fear? 4) How do you resonate with these statements: Fear of failure can cheat us out of the opportunity to compete. Fear of people can lead you to tell people what they want to hear. Fear of financial loss can cause you to play it safe. Fear of change can lead you to miss God’s call in your life. Fear of looking foolish steals your

Qaaim is one of the newest staff members at Southland and he has an incredible story to share.   Qaaim talked about his upbringing in New York City and how it shaped him growing up. Where are you from and what was your family like?  Did you grow up with the mentality of helping fight other’s battles for them? Did you have people to help you overcome adversity or were you left to your own abilities? How do you think this shaped your life? Qaaim went from being in a culture in New York where everyone was like him, to Kentucky where people were different. What have those situations looked like for you? Have you ever experienced going from being the majority to the minority? What was that like, if so? Qaaim brought up a great point that most people don’t want to hear about your faith unless there is already an established, healthy relationship. How does this fact shape the way you build relationships and share your faith with people? Learning to listen is a gift from God, because in it we can make people feel lo

Scott is one of the Pastoral Impact Pastors at Southland and he shares tons of wisdom he's gained through the years of working with men. Hatfield opened up about his family and upbringing. What was your family dynamic and upbringing like? Men allow their circumstances to eclipse them (addiction, pride, passivity, marriage issues, purity issues, shame). They drag their pain around with them wherever they go. What issue is plaguing you? What pain or situation are you carrying around with you? Pride and passivity are the main sins men struggle with. How are these two things plaguing you currently? Because of the fall, a lot of men look to their work for their identity through affirmation, approval, and/or validation. How is this true for you? If not at work, where else do you look for validation? When men feel incompetent, they tend to give up instead of doing the hard work. This plays out mostly in the area of being a godly husband and father. Where do you get the most frustrated in those relationships and whe

Mike is the former lead pastor of Southland and he is currently teaching at multiple churches. He and Scott sit down to discuss what he's learned about men in his many years of ministry. A lot of guys are searching for approval. You can spend your whole life trying to attain the acceptance you already have. Jesus’ death on the cross for your sins proves that you are more valuable than you can ever imagine. How do you struggle to believe this as true?  “Am I enough?” Where does this question plague your identity the most?  What a man desires the most is unfailing love, but the problem is we look for it in people who can only offer conditional love. Who/where do you look for affirmation?  When we look to people for our affirmation and approval, we put a tremendous amount of pressure on them because they cannot be our God. Who have you put pressure on? How has that affected your relationship with them? We set ourselves up for disappointment when we look to imperfect people and things for our approval. Who/where

Scott talks with Dave Willis about his new book, Raising Boys Who Respect Girls   Dave starts out by saying, “The whole point in life is healthy relationships.” How does the way you spend your time and efforts support or conflict with this statement? What do you spend your time and effort pursuing the most? If we are not alarmed by our cultural climate then we are not paying attention. What are some dynamics of the cultural climate that frustrate you or that you don’t know how to navigate? When you hear the phrase “toxic masculinity” what are some of the first words you think of? How does “toxic masculinity” tend to taint or obscure “true masculinity”? How can men take up their responsibility to use our strength to protect women, not to take advantage of them? Boys are falling behind socially, spiritually, and academically because even if fathers are in the house, they’re not emotionally present. How can you work toward changing this as far as it is up to you? As men, we have to go first. We cannot ask our b

In this episode Scott talks about how to cultivate deep security in who we are. 1) What has been your past experience with cultivating deep security in who you are? What struggles have you encountered? 2) How have you historically been taught about God being all-knowing? How have you reacted to that truth? How have you tried to cover up things from God or clean up things for God? 3) Scott points out, there is no point in hiding from God because he is all-knowing. There are no deficiencies, inadequacies, faults, sins, weaknesses, that God sees in us as believers ...so then there is no point in hiding from him. What keeps you from viewing yourself the way God does? 4) God fully sees the good attributes you have. He sees your strengths, abilities, talents, courage, care, love, and giftedness. What are some of the good attributes you do have? 5) God sees you for who you are really (both good and bad) and loves you dearly in light of it all. His love for you is not up for negotiation. 6) We have all struggled for

Scott talks about insecurity and how it shows up in our behavior. Have you ever had a complete and utter meltdown? What was the cause of it?  If you have kids, can you resonate with the tension of wanting your kids to succeed and it having to do with your own identity? For those without kids, what are some other factors that threaten your identity? What are some of your deepest insecurities? How do you manage or hide them? Does your perception of yourself match what others think of you? Have you ever resonated with the thought that you have been “faking it till you make it”?  The reason we explode is because who we are is at risk. Do you have anyone in your corner always championing you to become the best version of yourself?  What things define who you think you are? One sign that someone is insecure is “not sharing the spotlight”. On the flip side, someone who is secure will tend to elevate others. Which one do you resonate with and why? Where and when do your insecurities show up? What situations reveal y

In this episode Scott continues his conversation with Jason Martinkus who leads Redemptive Living, which helps men who are struggling to restore their sexual integrity. Read Galatians 6:2. Have you ever approached the church or a counselor for help with issues related to sexual brokenness and idolatry? What was your experience like with each? What can the church do better to deal with these issues? When men are in crisis, where do they tend to go if left to their own resources? Where do you go? What do you know about how to get help? One of the huge disservices we do in church culture at large is we don’t talk about issues honestly. Jason acknowledged that most guys are struggling in some way. He made the assertion that, in one room at a conference, there were men who are having sex with animals, inanimate objects, women, children, transvestites. How does that hit you or how do you respond to that reality? Eventually, God says, “Enough.” He doesn’t allow the dysfunction and sickness in us to go on any longer