Smash Fiction

The League's long adventure in Westeros comes to a thrilling close as Stitch, Mordin Solus, Dante Sparda, and Nico Minoru do battle with a twisted flying monstrosity and finally discover the true source of the undead scourge plaguing the lands beyond the Wall. What happens next will alter the shape of their tale forevermore, and not everyone is going to make it back to Castle Grayskull in one piece. Plus, Nico has fun with acupuncture, Stitch practices his knots, Mordin knows all the angles, and Dante and Geralt give new meaning to the term "fire in the hole." Also featuring the GM's funniest voice impersonation yet, another Colin Mulkerin musical number, and a truly phenomenal evil laugh!

ONLINE -- REPORT SUBJECT: INSPECTOR GADGET -- RETRIEVED. CONDITION -- SEVERELY DAMAGED. RETRIEVAL DETAILS -- FOUND WASHED UP ON SHORE. PHYSICAL STATUS -- SANDY AND WATERLOGGED. MENTAL STATUS -- TOTAL MEMORY LOSS. CAUSE OF INITIAL DISAPPEARANCE -- CONTACT WITH MONOLITH. CURRENT LOCATION OF MONOLITH -- UNKNOWN. GADGET RECORDING EQUIPMENT -- OPERATIONAL. RECORDED DATA FROM MONOLITH ENCOUNTER -- UNDAMAGED. INTERNATIONAL COALITION FORMED FOR DATA RETRIEVAL. WARNING: FOUR HIGH-LEVEL HACKERS KNOWN TO BE AWARE OF MONOLITH ENCOUNTER, WILL LIKELY ATTEMPT TO ACCESS DATA THEMSELVES. RETRIEVING FILES. SUBJECT: RADICAL EDWARD. CHILD HACKER FROM YEAR 2071. LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS -- BEBOP, CONVERTED INTERPLANETARY FISHING VESSEL. UNKNOWN COWBOY ASSOCIATIONS. FREQUENTLY SEEN WALKING ON HANDS AND TYPING WITH TOES. SUBJECT: ELLIOT ALDERSON, CYBERSECURITY ENGINEER -- E-CORP. INTROVERT, SHUT-IN, PARANOID. HACKER VIGILANTE. KNOWN ASSOCIATE -- "MR. ROBOT" -- IDENTITY UNKNOWN. RECENTLY JAILED FOR CRIMINAL ACTIVITY, SOMEHOW HACKS EVE

Have your deep philosophical statements ready and get ready to fly, kids, because swords and stage wires are about to cross in deadly but also awesome fashion! Morpheus, one of the major leaders in Zion's war against the conquering machines, has traveled deep into the Matrix in search of a new weapon -- the legendary Green Destiny. He has traveled so far, in fact, that he somehow finds himself in China during the Qing Dynasty, and standing between Morpheus and the Green Destiny is its former wielder, the legendary Li Mu Bai, a man who fights like some bizarre combination of a crouching tiger and a hidden dragon. Neither wire-fu warrior wants this fight, but Morpheus needs the Green Destiny and Li Mu Bai has no intention of letting him take it. As a great master once said, some motherf*ckers are always trying to ice skate uphill. Colin Mulkerin returns to Smash Fiction to give us his tips for a perfect Agent Smith impression, along with his signature brand of breathless argument. Meanwhile, everyone else forge

In Gotham City, evil has always worn many faces. But even Gotham has never faced a villain to which that description applies so literally. The shape-changing mutant known as Mystique is in town, and she's doing what she does best -- killing people to achieve her crazed, often far-fetched goals. Unfortunately for the woman with the most metal real name in comics (with apologies to Vandal Savage), her fun and games have drawn the notice of one of Gotham's many defenders -- in this case, former police officer Renee Montoya, also known as The Question. After all, if you're trying to catch a criminal who can put on any face she wants, who better than an ex-cop with no face at all? Will Mystique toss Question aside like a baby being thrown into a ravine, or will Renee Montoya connect the dots, solve the conspiracy and bring Raven Darkholme to swift, faceless justice? Madeline Thomas and Anton Balane return to Smash Fiction to help us answer these questions, along with many others, such as:  Did Mystique really turn

When peace in a strange version of the historic Middle East that somehow includes aliens and magic apples is threatened by a beautiful bisexual nobleman with a taste for wine, spicy food, and vengeance, the question must be answered: Will Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad's strict adherence to the assassin's creed and superb skills in that profession be enough to silence the Red Viper of Dorne? Or will Oberyn Martell upend the game of thrones and remain unbowed, unbent, and unbroken? The Smash Fiction team is here to delve into the matter, as well as other concerns, such as whether or not there has ever been a good movie based on a video game and why Liz Logan is hearing descriptions of penises in every sentence. Also, eagles!

The Smash Fiction hosts are (almost) all together in the same room to ring in the new year with a new episode of Extraordinary League! The League's latest adventure sees them join forces with the regal reptilian shapeshifter Flemeth and her army of Westerosi wildlings to take on the undead forces of the white walkers... and to discover the strange, compelling mystery that lies beyond their host. And yes, in an episode featuring zombie giants, dragon duels, and necrotic energy, our heroes still manage to make pretty much everything about music. Mordin composes a plea to end Dante's continued nakedness, Stitch shreds Dragonforce on dragonback, everyone gets the Skyrim theme song stuck in their head, and the seductive call of ultimate evil doesn't actually sound like Kelly Clarkson. Furthermore, Colin invents a new drinking game, Nico Minoru spends all her karma, and an old friend returns!

Merry Cagemas, dear listeners, and welcome to Cage Match 2: The Cagening! Yes, it's another four-way battle of Nicolas Cage characters to celebrate this undeniably remarkable, yet thoroughly insane, holiday season. Four Cages! One cage! At stake: the prestigious, recently-reclaimed-from-the-IRS championship belt proclaiming its wearer the undisputed World Heavyweight Cage! Only this time, the Cage Match will be contested not by mere mortals, but by Cages who are all something more -- or something less -- than human. Johnny Blaze, aka Ghost Rider, leaves tracks of hellfire down the entrance ramp as he rides toward the ring. Balthazar Blake, famed sorcerer and trainer of sorcerer's apprentices, arrives in a flash of magic and intimacy issues. John Milton drives angry into the arena despite his ever-present sunglasses, and fully intends to drive angry out of it again with a victory. And Peter Loew, freshly empowered by the vampire's kiss -- at least in his own mind, which he's actually just out of -- dons his pl

It is a period of civil war. Well, civil might not be the right word, considering that the various parties aren't exactly localized and were pretty much the opposite of united, but the other part is the same. Portals have opened, shots have been fired, and war has broken out amidst the various settings of the science fiction multiverse! The chaos of this reality-smashing conflict (which is totally not a convenient plot device for setting up future Smash Fiction matches, how dare you) plays host to several unlikely partnerships, and even more unlikely skirmishes -- the most recent of which is a good old-fashioned space dogfight between the heroes of Hoth, the Rebel Alliance's own Rogue Squadron, and the anthropomorphic Nintendo mercenaries known as Team Star Fox! As the two teams battle for control of a mysterious space station that could hold the key to final victory for their respective sides, their mettle (and their spaceships' metal) will be thoroughly tested. Rogue Squadron has the terrifyingly accurate W

He may have spun off into his own solo series, but Colin "Stormtongue" Mulkerin is always up for a good old nostalgic crossover! Bringing with him the intrepid Brad Bultman, Colin returns to Smash Fiction to answer another of the most important questions: When Bob, Helen, Dash, and Violet Parr, collectively known as the Incredibles (along with their friend, Frozone), find themselves in the city of San Fransokyo during a massive prison break, what will happen when they get into the inevitable "each team thinks the other team are supervillains" fight with Hiro Hamada, Baymax, Honey Lemon, GoGo, Wasabi, and Fred -- Big Hero 6? Will technological genius prevail over the inherent qualities of "being super?" Does the power of family and fashionable costuming trump the power of friendship and SCIENCE? Is The Incredibles actually promoting the elitist idea that human worth is conveyed by birthright, as opposed to Big Hero 6's apparent dedication to the concept of people creating their own worth through hard work and

The quest for the Stone of Grace has led the League from one side of Westeros to another, and has finally led them into the frozen wasteland north of the Wall. There, numerous dangers await, including zombies, White Walkers, and the philosophical conflict between science and magic. OH, HORRORS! Good thing Stitch's snow shark impression is the actual scariest thing in this forest. The Others are gonna need a bigger boat. Also, Nico takes a page out of a famous Marvel playbook, Dante plans his wedding, Geralt attempts to stab a dead person in a very uncomfortable place (not the back of a Volkswagon) Mordin gets distracted by the random treasure table, and Daenerys Targaryen is more than what she seems.

When you need someone rescued from a high-tech, heavily-guarded compound, you send in James Bond, MI6 Agent 007. But what if the person who needs to be rescued is Bond himself? When England's top secret agent finds himself kept in a martini-induced coma, MI6 has no one they can reliably send in to extract him... so four of Bond's old flings decide to take matters into their own hands. Can Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale) successfully leverage her intelligence and fashion sense while managing to avoid any underwater elevators? Can Wai Lin (Tomorrow Never Dies) use her martial arts and quick thinking even if she's handcuffed to an unconscious Bond? Can Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye) use her massive leg strength to squeeze victory from this one? Will Anya Amasova (The Spy Who Loved Me) prove true the old adage, "In Soviet Russia, Bond girl rescue YOU?" And when all is said and done, will Bond even survive the experience? And for those of you disappointed in the lack of a supernatural element to this week's match, stay tun

In Smash Fiction's first team-up match, Shao Khan and the realm of Outworld decide to invade Earth... which isn't all that out of character, except that this particular version of Earth doesn't recognize the rules of Mortal Kombat. Instead, it chooses its champions via the sacred art of STREET FIGHTING! Which is totally different, except for the fighting part. And the tournament structure. And, you know, the fireballs. There are always fireballs. As these two one-on-one martial arts meritocracies collide, the first battle begins. INTERPOL agent and leg day at the gym enthusiast Chun-Li sets out to discover more information about her world's mysterious attackers, and enlists the aid of Ryu, professional Super Saiyan with the personality of sliced bread. And of course, it isn't long before the street fighters are accosted by two of the deadliest bloodletters and headsplitters to ever conceal horrific facial features behind their facemasks: Mileena, contender to Outworld's throne and five-time winner of its Best

By the Perplexing Patronuses of Pottermore! There's evil afoot! Well...not afoot, exactly. More like a-slither. Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, the most powerful dark wizard of all time, has returned to life and taken over nearly the entire wizarding world. Albus Dumbledore has vanished, last seen muttering something about a Tome of Eternal Darkness. Snape is running Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic has been completely infiltrated, and Harry Potter, the so-called Chosen One, has vanished without a trace. The bad guys are winning and there's no help in sight... ...no help, that is, until Neville Longbottom reaches desperately into the Sorting Hat and somehow manages to pull out a full-fledged Sorcerer Supreme. Dr. Stephen Strange has arrived in England, and after hearing about the wizards' plight, vows to bring Voldemort down. With his magical abilities and various artifacts of Agamotto, how hard could killing one snake-obsessed psychopath possibly be? But Strange soon learns that Voldemort will n

The end of the League's quest in Westeros is in sight... when they find a capital-W Wall in front of them. Do they deal with the taciturn black-clad Night's Watch and their newly-elected Lord Commander, the suspicious royal guards led by a fiery woman in red, or take their chances with the wildlings and their monstrous pets? All the while, Nico is her own worst enemy; Mordin finally loses patience with his disguise; Dante has a religious awakening (but probably not the one you're expecting), and Stitch decides to go economy size.

It's a beautiful day on the campus of Monsters University...a beautiful day for the Scare Games, that is! As per usual, teams of monsters will compete in five grueling events -- Toxicity Challenge, Avoid the Parent, Don't Scare the Teen, Hide and Sneak, and Simulated Scare -- to see who is truly the most frightening monster in the frat house. But this year, there's some new blood entering the games. Four new fraternities have been recognized by Dean Hardscrabble, each led by an older, experience student, each determined to prove that they are still the masters of inducing fear. One who lays claim to this title is the Dream Master himself, the leader of Slasha Slayta Die, the face-melted fish knife-fingered Freddy Krueger. Refusing to follow the traditional Greek alphabet format, Nemesis and the Nemenasties bring their rocket launchers, miniguns, and zombie mutations to the field. From Hex Omicron Hex Omicron Hex Omicron come the vassals of the one and only Pumpkin King, Jack Skellington. And Kappa Amenophus a

One kills to ensure that he is still feared. The other stalks those who dare to speak his name. When the kids in north side Chicago stop talking about the hook-handed, bee-infested urban legend known as the Candyman and start spreading stories about the faceless enigma called the Slender Man, both terrifying ethereal killers appear to silence them forever -- or make their flayed corpses into the ultimate reminder. But to get to the helpless teens, Candyman and Slender Man must first go through each other. Smashtoberfest continues with the full-time Smash Fiction debut of MeganBob, as we determine which restless apparition can find some way to dispose of his murderous counterpart. Kit and Liz do a lot of static noises and screaming, and Miles finds a way to finally get Dan to say "fuck" on the podcast. Special thanks to Ben Chilton for suggesting this matchup. Trigger warning: This episode contains brief periods of white people rapping.

Smashtoberfest continues with one of the most unique matches ever: a contest of horror movie survival, starring the most famous sitcom characters of the '90s! Yes, the four unforgettably despicable leads of Seinfeld have gotten out of prison and taken a much-needed vacation, spending the winter in a lonely cabin far from civilization. But Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, and George Costanza are not the only life forms that have chosen this particular spot. For one thing, Newman has decided to tag along. For another, something else has decided to tag along inside him. And so, the Seinfeld cast find themselves alone with the most terrifying product of John Carpenter's imagination, the alien shapeshifter known only as the Thing! Will any of them escape? Can Elaine save her friends with her patented "Get out!" shove? Is Kramer secretly a genius? Would George really lick blood off a given surface, thinking it was ketchup? Will Jerry ever figure out what the deal is with these Things, anyway? Also, Miles

Put on your muscle shirt, break out your best evil laugh, and prepare for an epic Smashtoberfest confrontation between ancient mummies and skeleton demons...as only 1980s cartoon shows can deliver! By popular demand, the Smash Fiction crew takes on yet another of the most hotly-debated questions in all the multiverse: Who would win in a fight between He-Man's iconically-voiced purple-and-blue nemesis, Skeletor, and the bandage-wrapped bane of Third Earth, Mumm-Ra? The two classically evil fiends square off in the tower of Merklynn (you know, from that Visionaries show -- oh wait, the Mulkerins are the only people who actually remember that was a thing) and are prepared to resort to any and all tactics that will allow them to walk off with the wizard's fabled treasure (not to mention some great rolls on the magic item tables). Will Skeletor's  Havoc Staff, endless arsenal of verbose insults, and defunct but still inspirational Facebook page be enough to prove him the true master of the universe? Or will Mumm-R

Having made their way to the near-abandoned castle of Winterfell in search of the Stone of Grace, the League is awakened by a mysterious figure, who reveals himself to be the infamous undead bloodsucker, Dracula. But which one? That's a pretty elaborate beard for a Bram Stoker character. Do they all shoot fireballs? Anyway, turns out Dracula is a creep and the League has to try and bash his ancient vampire brains out. Can Mordin outwit the forces of evil with nothing but a portal gun and a moral compass? Are Nico's increasingly bizarre spells destined to eventually backfire? How sick, exactly, is Stitch's guitar slide? And is Dante really still naked? Like, still? Throughout the entire episode? Really?

Fifty episodes of Smash Fiction have come and gone...but we remain unsatistifed! After all, how can we tell which of our fifty winners is truly the best of the best? In celebration of the completion of the first season of Smash Fiction, it is our pleasure to unveil the first-ever Smash Bash Championship! In this very special episode, each host will draft a team of four former Smash Fiction victors. These characters will compete in the Lighting Gauntlet, five successive Lightning Rounds whose winners will qualify for one final no-holds-barred fight to determine the first Smash Fiction champion! Who will win? Who will fall? And who will come up with the most nonsensical Lightning Round of them all?