How Rude! The Full House Podcast

Johnny Kyle Cook and Brandon Shockney agree: Jon touches his face way too Goddamn much. Are they right? Are they wrong? Perhaps we'll never know! What we do know is Johnny has returned to help us burn through YET ANOTHER five episodes of the classic (?) sitcom's fifth season. Those episodes: Crushed; Spellbound; Too Much Monkey Business; The Devil Made Me Do It, and Driving Miss D.J. There's a lot to unpack here, including appearances by singer Tommy Page and a straight up fucking monkey. Did the monkey send Jon down a conspiratorial rabbit hole worthy of JFK? Yes. Is Brandon's favorite off-brand soda going to surprise and disturb you? Yes. You know, you ask too many questions, maybe stop ASKING and start LISTENING. XOXO

Marie Maloney had no idea pushing through five episodes of 'Full House' would be this difficult. By the time we were done ... man alive. We were positively slap happy! Join us for this, the third of our S5 marathons, a journey that takes us through Nick and/or Alexander; Bachelor of the Month; Easy Rider; Sisters in Crime, and Play It Again, Jesse. Consistent themes appear throughout this chunk of programming: Women are emotionally hysterical, Michelle is a self-obsessed little shit, and you should always sacrifice your needs for the needs of the hive mind. OBEY THE WILL OF THE HIVE MIND. Tuck in with a piping hot serving of pork and beans in a white wine sauce because Brandon has made up a terrible new game and you're gonna learn all about it. He also creates a new movie franchise and it's not awful but it is basically inexplicable. XOXO

The fucking straight up adorable Nico Carter is BACK for the second of our S5 marathons! This week we watched The Legend of Ranger Joe; The Volunteer; Gotta Dance, and both parts of Happy Birthday, Babies. Guys, this is getting tough. We are burning through so much content and it's probably going to kill us in the end. Luckily, Nico brought us free Cards Against Humanities expansion packs (he works for the company, don't ya know) and he was wearing a ridiculous onesie throughout our entire session. What more could you want? Maybe you'd like to hear about his fluid sexuality in the face of crushing boredom, or perhaps the French stage farce / film / musical / caveplay that inspired Happy Birthday, Babies? Perhaps you'd like to hear Jon recite an entire Fruity Pebbles commercial almost perfectly from memory? Look, whatever you want, we got it, baby. Dig in! XOXO

Joey Gilmore is BACK and that can only mean one thing: That's right, it's marathon time once again! We're actually covering S5 of 'Full House' exclusively via marathons, so we hope you're ready for the return of many an old friend. It'll be a blast and we'll save so much sweet, sweet time. We only have so much time allotted to us by God, fair children. Do you hear the ticking of the clock? Anyway, we covered five episodes this week: Double Trouble; Matchmaker Michelle; Take My Sister, Please; Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?, and The King and I. They were all terrible. But Joey is great! We learn all about his seven year stint in a youth bowling league and how even his youngest brother was all too willing to torture him while he slept. We also talk about casting off dog slave names and how John Stamos could potentially find his way into the MCU. You know, cool stuff. Total cool kid material. We love ya, Joey! XOXO

Cole Hersch knows what it means to compete with a younger brother. Cole Hersch knows what it means to covet that which you loved so dearly in the past. Cole Hersch knows what you should and should not do to a vagina. He is also our guest and honorary Rude Dude for the week! Join us as we discuss the last two episodes of 'Fuller House' S1: 'Save the Dates', in which the show aggressively doubles down on the nostalgia, and 'Love Is in the Air', in which DJ and Kimmy are faced with important choices and refuse to address them in any real way for the sake of maintaining the status quo. It's a thoroughly unsatisfying way to end a season that at times tried (albeit feebly) to do its own thing. Bummer! Meanwhile, Brandon is planning to produce a fully staged musical all for the sake of proposing to his future love. Is it Jon? Is he proposing to Jon? Manic Bron stans wanna know! Next week we'll be returning to the classic (?) series so don't think we're slowing down anytime soon. Ciao! XOXO Correction: Cole's Twitter

Robyn Novak is snug in her cocoon-like blanket, passing those snacks around like they're going out of style. She knows what she wants in a man and this world cannot stop her! Who better than Robyn to help examine "A Giant Leap", in which Stephanie faces the ire of disgusting baseball fans, and "Partnerships in the Night", in which the entire Fuller clan co-opts Indian culture for their amusement? No one, that's who, and if you disagree perhaps we can bring Dick Tracy into the mix. What's that? You don't wanna fuck with Dick Tracy? Smart move. Also on the menu: Brandon's sexualization of a golden fork, Russian nesting dolls, and problematic college parties. It's all here! XOXO

Carol Olsen's left foot is cursed and she earnestly believes all baby animals outrank human babies in the cuteness department. In this post-9/11 world can we afford to think any differently? Carol joined us to discuss "Secrets, Lies and Firetrucks" and "War of the Roses". The former sees Max using the ghost of his dead Dad to secure bragging rights at a birthday party. The latter sees a frothing Becky trying to solve the mystery of 1,000 roses and to whom they belong. What do roses cost in this post-9/11 society? Are spiders animals? Why can't Brandon pronounce "Jumanji"? Look, sometimes this post-9/11 society can't give you answers. But we're here and we're gonna learn all about Carol's tenuous connection to the Olsen twins, so let's enjoy that! XOXO

Emma Robertson is a staunch defender of 'Mrs. Doubtfire' and believes that anyone who can accept a film like 'Superman' shouldn't disrespect Robin Williams' greatest achievement. And hey, creepy bar patrons? Why don't you keep your insipid questions and compliments to yourself? Try that for a change, dumdums! Emma joins us in the studio to discuss both The Legend of El Explosivo and Ramona's Not-So-Epic Party. In the former, Max and Jackson get into all kinds of shenanigans during a Mexican wrestling match. n the latter, Ramona turns 13 and everyone is failing in the love department. Also on deck: Emma's personal experience with Mexican wrestling, Aladdin on ice, and dealing with leather-faced scarecrow drunks. It's a hoot from start to finish so tuck in with a mug of room temp cake soup and hit play already! XOXO

Rosie Moan may have a case of the sniffle phlegm-flams but that did not stop her from meeting us at 9:30 in the morning to watch "The Not-So-Great Escape" and "Mad Max". What do you do when you're sick, huh? I bet you don't do jack all! Kidding, love you, never leave, never leave. In "Escape" ol' Ramona is looking for a way out of her new life, Stephanie can't pay for overpriced coffee, and Max finally picks his puppy. In "Mad Max" the titular boy with a passion for pizzaz freaks out when Aunt Stephanie flies off to play Coachella before his big trumpet recital. Care to learn Stephanie's HORRIBLE SECRET? Then watch the show before listening to our podcast, dummy, because here it be nothing but a vast sea of endless spoiler-fives. Spoiler-five, up top! XOXO

Amber Linde is a major fan of the Holy Trinity: Full House, Saved by the Bell, and California Dreams. So when she tells you she's a fan of the '90s sitcom you can tank that assertion to the bank. Take it. To the bank! Amber joins us as we fully commit to 'Fuller House' and its oh so modern family antics. That's right, we won't be returning to the original show and its 5th season until we're done covering what Netflix has to offer, so stream along with us, ya nuts. In 'Moving Day' DJ faces the classic conundrum of just where the fuck everyone's gonna live in this Goddamn house. In 'Funner House', the gals paint the town red and cross paths with Fernando, a pair of primetime primed fraternal twins, and a hopelessly lost Macy Gray. We also make time for VHS compilations, factory kids, and Slimer-Grinch jizz, so get to listening! XOXO

Elizabeth Kirkwood is BACK for what is easily the slap-happiest podcast we have ever recorded. We're wrapping up season four of the original sitcom, which means we tackle 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', 'The Graduates', and 'Rock the Cradle'. The first episode sees DJ manipulating her cool Aunt Becky so she can lock lips with a boy named Ryan. The second sees Michelle graduating from preschool while Danny tries to fuck a college student (seriously). The third sees Becky getting Eggo Preggo! I know, right, who could have seen it coming? WHO COULD HAVE SEEN IT? Next week we'll return to 'Fuller House', so if you were wondering about that, stop! Our thanks go out once again to Kirkwood, who in this hour shares stories of the wretched Ms. Bird and how she used her charm to manipulate friends. It's nutty, it's zany, and we talk about the Squatty Potty for quite some time. Enjoy! XOXO

How Rude! is LIVE with returning guests Eunji Kim, Eddie Klinker, and Kristin Ramsey! We had a blast talking about the premiere episode of 'Fuller House', in which DJ scams her way into a free house and co-parents in the form of Stephanie and Kimmy. New characters include the kids (Max, Jackson, Ramona) and Kimmy's wildly gay ex-husband, Fernando. It's ridiculous, it's emotionally manipulative, and our guests basically loved it.  An enormous amount of gratitude goes out to Zach Sigelko and everyone at the Lincoln Loft for welcoming us with open arms. We couldn't have pulled this off without Zach's help and if at any point he wants to cash in those chips for hugs and kisses we'll have them at the ready. Thanks must also go out to everyone in the audience. We're so happy you were there with us! This show is the worst! XOXO

Jon and Brandon are full of pizza and on their tummies, which can only mean one thing: It's a supplemental episode! This time around we're discussing the 2011 film 'Beastly', a lukewarm distillation of the classic fairy tale that utterly fails to deliver its "substance over appearance" message. On the plus side, it does feature Mary-Kate Olsen as a straight up bug nutty witch, and they make room for a "blink or you'll miss it" White Castle promotion that left us reeling. Get your nasty ass sliders out of my young adult adaptation! Remember, our live event is this coming Saturday, 2/27 at 7:30 PM at the Lincoln Loft (3036 N. Lincoln Ave). Admission is free and we're discussing the first two episodes of 'Fuller House', so please come and have a great time with us! Bonus thought about 'Beastly' we forgot to mention: Early on in the film Kyle is praised by a teacher for his essay on Tony Kushner's 'Angels in America'. Kyle returns the compliment by saying he couldn't have done it without the teacher's help. The t

Tony Springs is a dancer and choreographer by trade, which means he has a lot to say about the Laker Girls' appearance in "Joey Goes Hollywood". He'll also take time to explain the flimsy premise behind his childhood nickname and why his middle school was basically the Thunderdome. Meanwhile, little Jon is screaming about apples and Bully Brandon is passing out some signature Back Attacks. Did we watch 'Full House' this week? OF COURSE WE DID. "Joey Goes Hollywood" is all about Joey being cast in a pilot that, if it existed in the real world, would only have been produced as a favor to the mob. On the sidelines: Stephanie is pulling a 'Bob's Burgers' Tina/Dina scheme and Michelle is making long distance calls to Tokyo. So dumb, so exhausting. LIVE EVENT! Saturday, February 27 at 7:30 PM at the Lincoln Loft (3036 N. Lincoln Ave) in Chicago. Get your butt there, it's free! The Facebook page for this event is now live so please RSVP and tell all your chums about it. We wanna see lots of friendly faces there, sur

Shantira Jackson already knows how she feels about your crown molding and chances are it's not in the best of shape. She's the daughter of a master carpenter: SHE KNOWS. We were so happy to have Shantira as an honorary Rude Dude this week as dove into "Stephanie Plays the Field", which (hand to God) makes Stephanie choose between self-respect and TRUE LOVE. Off the field, Michelle is determined to prevent the conception of more children who might upstage her. You think you're primed to fuck? You ain't primed for shit. Also: The insane history of Barry Manilow, professional jingle writer; Shantira's history of watching 'Premium Blend' in her band uniform, and Jon's history of making super uncomfortable observations about how children grow. Jon: Stop talking about how children grow, you fucking creep. Don't forget: Our first live event is set for Saturday, 2/27 at 7:30 at the Lincoln Loft (3036 N Lincoln Ave). We're screening the first two episodes of 'Fuller House' and welcoming back four of our favorite guest

James Bumanglag may have had most of his childhood obscured by a blanket but by gum he's 27 now and he can visit any bridge that strikes his fancy. Ya hear that, MOTHER? Any bridge he fancies! James is our honorary Rude Dude for the week and together we deconstructed "The Hole-in-the-Wall Gang". What happens in this one? Well, there's a hole. DJ and Stephanie make the hole. And Michelle is forced to watch the hole. Then the hole goes away. No more hole! The end. Spoiler: James essentially loved every second of it. Question: Does Brandon actually know anything about Peter Lorre? Question: Does the top begin to fall at the end of 'Inception'? Question: Should we be like Mark Zuckerberg and Doug Funnie the hell out of our closets? ONLY YOU CAN COME TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS. Don't forget about our upcoming live event! Saturday, February 27 at 7:30 PM at the Lincoln Loft, located at 3036 N. Lincoln Ave in glorious Chicago. Join your co-hosts and a panel of returning guests as we watch and discuss the first two epis

Marla Depew knew how to see through Big Fashion when she was knee-high to a grasshopper. As an adult, she knows what it means to make adult decisions, and adult decisions don't take into account the fleeting whims of a toddler. Becky and Jesse may wanna take a tip from this week's guest as they wade through the events of "Fuller House", in which Michelle throws a salty-eyed tantrum and Stephanie doesn't know fuck all about fractions. Also in this episode: Jon divulges his teen browser history, Brandon once again holds his "only child" status above everyone else, and Marla relates how Wayne's World almost absorbed her personality. It's a damn delight! Be sure to jot down all the live event details laid out at the top of this one, folks. We want you there! XOXO

LIVE SHOW DETAILS: How Rude! is taping its first live session at The Lincoln Loft (3036 North Lincoln Avenue) on Saturday, February 27 at 7:30 PM. The event is free to attend so come celebrate your favorite podcast as we watch the first two episodes of 'Fuller House'. We'll be joined by special guests from podcasts past and it's gonna be great! Fred Pelzer knows all about what it means to get married. Picking out suits, select the best venue, locking down the all important cake ... he's seen it all! So who better than him to help us dissect both parts of "The Wedding"? If you think you have a candidate, shut your filthy mouth. Join us as we sift through the tiresome antics of Jesse and Becky's big day, which includes no less than a tomato truck, an angry ginger, and a black choir used as fucking props. It's ... the worst. Also: Howie's back and he's DTP. Did you read about our live event above? Read about it again and get your ass to The Lincoln Loft that Saturday. It's gonna be, as we said above, great! XOXO

ANNOUNCEMENT: How Rude! is hosting its first live event on Saturday, February 27 at the Lincoln Loft, located at 3036 North Lincoln in glorious Chicago. Time TBD! Join us as we welcome back some of our favorite former guests to discuss the first two episodes of 'Fuller House'. It's gonna be a dang hoot! Cat Abood may not be the biggest fan of sports but ya know what she does enjoy? The warm shot of beautiful nostalgia delivered by Nurse Full House. This time around we're tackling "A Fish Called Martin", in which the Tanners try to explain death to Michelle when her carnival pet goes belly-up. That's the A plot, if you can believe it. DJ is sitting on the sidelines, trying desperately to seduce a car-obsessed dingus named Bobby, and the Becky-Jesse nuptials hit yet another snag when square dancing is thrown into the mix. Square dancing? B-b-b-but ... that's for SQUARES! Also: Captain Pinkbeard, Isaac, and Dot. It's amazing! XOXO

Erin Schaut has so many fantastic stories it would honestly be a bummer to spoil them here. Needless to say, she's more than able to relate to "Stephanie Gets Framed", in which the titular Tanner takes advice from Steve Urkel himself. Should she take advice from someone who instantly repels everyone he meets, a guy who wears his acid wash jeans so high that his dick has all but vanished into a newly formed body cavity? No. Meanwhile, Jesse is torn between Danny and Joey when it comes time to pick a best man and Michelle learns how she use her looks to "earn" money. Ring in the New Year and keep burning through this idiotic sitcom with us, won't you? Huzzah! XOXO