Ain't Talkin' 'bout Van Halen

What do you get when you’ve two of the smartest minds in podcasting? Well, belated and sporadic episodes for a start (sorry again dear listener) BUT you also get hosts of a Top 60 comedy podcast in Finland (this is not a drill!) AND... um... er... um... you get an album skipped too... ! Yep we admit it, so dazzled have we been by Dave’s solo offerings that we totally missed out an album! ‘DLR Band’? Where's that gone then? We’ve looked everywhere... inside our hard drives, under the mouse mat, Ross even turned his old house upside-down (the new residents were NOT happy) but nope, it's gone.But don’t worry we’ll find it! Then go back and do the DLR band album next. Look, just think of it as us approaching Mister Roth’s solo output like Pulp Fiction – we're already at the end, and now it’s big band time, it's funky 90s, it's well... whatever's knocking about in the studio broom cupboard, on this – the final (as it stands) solo album from ‘Diamond Dave’!We talk about the infamous Sammy & DLR Tour, Dave'

As promised standard album review services have resumed, dear listener(s)! That can mean only one thing....Good Times! These are the good times! Leave your cares behind! David Lee Roth has undoubtedly been trying to do that, after getting nicked by the rozzers in New York. Why? For not washing his mouth out with soap enough! That's right folks, it's time for 'Your Filthy Little Mouth’!Aaaaaaah... Freak out! Le Freak, C'est Chic! Oi! Who's left a Kangol cap on the mixing desk? Has Tuggle started experimenting with new hats? Is Billy trying to use some sort of mind control? Is that a disco beat? Where are they coming from? Reggae? Is that a jazz cigarette? What ON EARTH is happening? Well for a start, Tuggle returns... Brookside is discussed... we get a BAD review... ramblin' Roth's on fine form... there’s a harmonica + vibrating phone mash-up... no end-Endgame spoilers via Marvel... cherry liqueur chocolate discussions... Matthew McConaughey reads some DLR lyrics... Sir Ian McKellen briefly

Goodness us, Dear Listener! What can we say but bestow our humblest apologies... it's been an age – an ice (cream man) age! SooOoo long in fact, that actual new VH-based news has surfaced of late and is occurring “riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight NOW.” So we’ve veered off the usual album-review highway and stopped off at the nearest cheap motel to devote an entire episode to ‘New VH/Roth/Hagar News’ – complete with impromptu jingles! Well, it had to be done... for one thing, David Lee Roth decided to make a tattoo cream (obvs) and then promote it on multiple different outlets being David Lee Roth in the only way we know he can. Does he randomly talk about Kayaking? Sure! Does he appear on stage out-of-the-blue at an electronic music festival with a Dutch fella? You bet! Do we learn anything about anything at all? Almost certainly not! But we're here, we've got a bowl of M&Ms, and we're munching deep into the world of what's currently going on with our friend and yours; Diamond Dave! And a couple of

We've been making a list, checking it twice, now come and find out if you've been naughty or nice! You guessed it... it's the Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Van Halen Christmas Special!Wolfgang's roasted (ie. burnt) the chestnuts by an open fire, Michael Anthony's nipping at your nose and Eddie and Alex have eaten all the Celebrations but left all the Twix's. Typical. Never fear, festive cheer is near! Christmas Specials are the podcast equivalent of end of school term/semester. So Santa Steve's brought along his jingle jangle feet, and Ross Claus has dialled his guitar virtuosity up to 11. Why? Because in this episode we’re channelling our inner DLR and writing a David Lee Roth Christmas song on-air that the world didn't necessarily want OR necessarily deserve! Ho! Ho! Ho! MERRRRY CHRISTMAS!!DON’T FORGET!We are active typers on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at Facebook.com/TalkinVanHalen. So keep tweeting us tweetings and faceposting us faceposts and we’ll shout you out in verbal n

"Bye Bye Vai...!Oi, Tuggle! Bissonette Brothers! Rocket! Get over here!" "Seems like it's only a few of us here, Dave..." "Ha! A Little Ain't Enough!""Sounds like a good name for an album in 1991, boss.""YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT!!!"Grunge, so much grunge... all over poor DLR’s spandex. So better start shooting videos in black and white to hide those pesky Seattle coffee stains, Dave. Meanwhile, Mr. Tuggle is on an Aerosmith bender and Bob Rock is getting annoyed in the booth. PLUS... Sir Ian McKellan is back from the Bard with another reciting of some of DLR’s lyrics, and Matthew Mcconaughey is telling you all about the lawn uptake that you didn't know you need! All this and more in another DLR solo adventure/dream/nightmare... it's... ‘A Little Ain't Enough’!DON’T FORGET!We are active typers on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at Facebook.com/TalkinVanHalen. So keep tweeting us tweetings and faceposting us faceposts and we’ll shout you out in verbal neon next time B

Give me a surfboard! Give me a boxing ring! Give me bass turned very low in the mix and while you're at it could you make sure this album sounds as exactly like the era it was recorded as possible? Build it low? Absolutely not, it's time to talk.... Skyscraper!OU812? Don't mind if I do! It's 1988 – David has been touring the world, meeting up with ex-producers in coffee shops, taking umbrage with dexterous bass guitarists and having nightmares with the dry cleaning bill of Steve Vai's billowy shirts. We dive deep into the photoshoot that nearly killed Dave, check the medical records of a certain Dr. Funk and learn all about the boy from Burnley who set the keyboard world alight (or at least the electricity bill from all those pesky synths!) All this and more in our mammoth building of an episode... it's all things David Lee Roth and his ultra-glam Skyscraper!DON’T FORGET! We're on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at Facebook.com/TalkinVanHalen. So keep dropping us

Lights! Camera! Cancelled?! Troubles a foot in paradise... we're going to need spandex, a Scientologist and that fella with a handle in his guitar. We might be a while folks, it's time to Eat 'Em and Smile!It's 1985. David Lee Roth has fully found his true calling and as Pasadena's answer to Steven Spielberg. It's time to take those 3 and a half minute videos to feature length. It's like Spielberg if he had a penchant for high colour saturation and fat suits. You might want to watch yourself though, that chequebook is looking mighty elastic if you catch my drift... Just as well we've got everyone's favourite tea-chugging Yorkshireman behind the 1s and 2s! That's right Ted Templeman is 100% team DLR (for now.) So get on your favourite dance pumps and order an Uber to tobacco road. We're going to be delving into the world that is "Eat 'Em and Smile"!DON’T FORGET! We're on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at Facebook.com/TalkinVanHalen. So keep dropping us tweets and faceposts and w

If David Lee Roth calls, is it really a conversation? Is that a Beach Boy? Is it Christopher Cross? Where’s the top of my hat? It must be the weather, we’re going Crazy from the Heat!It’s 1984, the Van Halen brothers are back at the ranch. Ted Templeman’s been called up for the England squad. DLR is wearing ski goggles indoors and starting a TV show. We’re in New York, we’re in California, we’re wearing Spandex and jazz shoes! Take a load off dear listener, we’re diving into the David Lee Roth solo era. It’s the Crazy from the Heat EP!DON’T FORGET! We're on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at Facebook.com/TalkinVanHalen. So keep dropping us tweets and faceposts and we’ll shout you out on the next episode BIG TIME. However, if you want the megashoutout of ultrashououts, type the show a review on the ol’ iTunes for a verbal ticker tape parade! Fistbumps dear listeners, fistbumps!

Zilch! Zip! Nil Points!Buckle up listeners! We're off in our DeLorean and while you're at it, bring a calculator... and you know what – bring your maths homework too! 1 minus 1? Easy peasy... hold on, is this a middling analogy? That's right listeners! We're talking about the magical 1976 demo 'Zero'!Poor Mrs. Van Halen's not getting a minute's rest from the constant tongue wagging of Gene 'The Terminator' Simmons, Eddie's being asked to write more solos than you can shake an inappropriate song title at, and David Lee Roth... well... he's having a nightmare getting into the venue! All this AND MORE on this month's 'Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Van Halen'!DON’T FORGET! We're on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at Facebook.com/TalkinVanHalen. So keep dropping us tweets and faceposts and we’ll shout you out on the next episode BIG TIME. However, if you want the megashoutout of ultrashououts, type the show a review on the ol’ iTunes for a verbal ticker tape parade! Fistbumps dear listeners, fistbu

It can be difficult in these modern times...Who to turn to? Who to trust? Is this fake news? No, no, no, dear listener. This is ‘A Different Kind of Truth’!It's 2012 — the year of the London Olympics. A failed attempt to get into the US Squash Court team can mean only one thing. Time for Wolfgang to wrangle up the brothers Van Halen for their first album with David Lee Roth in... well, since Wolfie was but a twinkle in Valerie's eye!Is Ted Templeman coming back into the fold? Will the album just sound like the love child of Alanis Morissette and Westlife? Only one way to find out... TO THE PODCAST!DON’T FORGET! We're on the Twitters @TalkinVanHalen and inside the Facebooks too at facebook.com/talkinvanhalen. So keep dropping us tweets and faceposts and we’ll shout you out on the next episode BIG TIME. However, but if you want the megashoutout of ultrashououts, type the show a review on the ol’ iTunes for a verbal ticker tape parade! Fistbumps dear listeners, fistbumps!

Lights! Camera! No.. wait! This is audio only! Press record! Press Record! Oh Cripes, it's in Japanese! What do I do?! Welcome to Tokyo Dome Live in Concert!The year is 2013, Alex, Eddie and Wolfgang Van Halen have been routing through the deepest darkest corners of their Big Yellow Storage Space, old demos fly across the room, live outtakes are deemed not good enough. But wait! We've a plan... All sparkles and jazz pants, the great David Lee Roth, now part android has been working on a short and artful film in Japanese with a view to showing it for two nights only. I guess that'll solve it? Alright, 4 tickets on the next MegaBus to Tokyo!DON'T FORGET! We're on Twitter @TalkinVanHalen and now Facebook too at facebook.com/talkinvanhalen, so do drop us a tweet and a facepost. AND if you've a flight of fancy, we'd sure appreciate a review over there on the iTunes!

A Live Album! A Live Album? Who knows! Can you tell? That’s right, it’s Live: Right Here, Right Now!Hey! Who’s that there sniffing? David Lee Roth? Can you see Sammy and the gang are busy! No we’re not doing a greatest hits album! Haven’t you heard of a thing called MOMENTUM?! Okay, fine, we’ll do a live album. Can we re-record nearly the whole thing afterwards? Strange request.. but sure! Not a problem! That’s right listeners, we’re Live: Right Here, Right Now! (Well, ish)That’s right listeners, we’re back and we’re live, just like Eddie, Alex, Michael and Sammy. Well kind of anyway. Happy New Year!DON'T FORGET! We're on Twitter @TalkinVanHalen and now Facebook too at facebook.com/talkinvanhalen, so do drop us a tweet and a facepost. AND if you've a flight of fancy, we'd sure appreciate a review over there on the iTunes!

Holes in the squash court... samurai hair... capri pants strewn all over the shop... it's 2004! It's the Best of Both Worlds! Sometimes you just want to get back in a familiar saddle. Sometimes you've got to make sure your bass playing pal comes along for the ride. Does he still have a mullet? Flippin' 'eck! Is it the mid-naughties now? No matter what the reason may be, The Red Rocker isn't taking no for an answer, but he isn't saying much else to ol' EVH. Side note... is that a smoke-filled stack of scantily-clad woman in the distance? GULP! All this and SO much more in another glorious Ain't Talkin' 'Van Halen extravaganza!! DON'T FORGET! We're on Twitter @TalkinVanHalen and now Facebook too at facebook.com/talkinvanhalen, so do drop us a tweet and a facepost. AND if you've a flight of fancy, we'd sure appreciate a review over there on the iTunes!

Fax Machines filled with tornado facts, Ted Templeman by the telephone, David Lee Roth taking a break from his painting and decorating! We're going over Greatest Hits, Volume 1! Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? All these singers, a slice at a time, like an... erm, yeah a lead singer in Van Halen! Sometimes you just can catch a break if you've a decent set of pipes at 5150! The ultimate in will-they-won't-they. We're swinging from Hagar to Malloy to Roth to Cherone! It's a storm! A twister! (Just don't bleeding sing about it.) All this and so much more in this episode of Ain't Talkin' Van Halen!  PS. Upgrades! We're on Twitter @TalkinVanHalen and now Facebook too at facebook.com/talkinvanhalen

What do you do when it’s the late 90s and you're down a singer? Well you bag yourself a friend of the A-Team... oh, and Gary Cherone! We’re talking Van Halen III of course! Things are TENSE at 5150. Michael Anthony still has the mullet but his presence is scarce. So who's going to sing over these experimental and oh-so-long songs? Is that the flared pant of a Mr. DLR? And who's had their spray paint out... there's PornoGraffiti everywhere! It's got to be Extreme's Gary Cherone! But hang on, who's going to glue this all together? Why, it's TV Composer Extraordinaire Mike 'A-Team theme' Post! We love it when a plan (sort of) comes together - enjoy Van Halen 3 listeners! PS. Upgrades! We're on Twitter @TalkinVanHalen and now Facebook too at facebook.com/talkinvanhalen

Steady that egg friend! And while you’re at it, watch those conjoined children on that there see-saw, that’s right we’re talking Van Halen’s Balance! Things ever got so bad that you headed to Bryan Adams’ place up in Canada? Just couldn’t be bothered to write lyrics and hoped no one would notice? Smashed a piano to pieces and hoped you’d do a good cover up with some Pritt Stick? Rocked a mullet with conviction far too late into the 90s? Then you’re sure to relate to the antics of Sammy, Eddie, Michael and Alex as we discuss Van Halen’s Balance! Remember, we're on Twitter! So Tweet us, dear listeners, Tweet us! @TalkinVanHalen

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an acronym for a naughty word? Come on down to our Van Halen college, we're talking about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge! Have you been taking album title recommendations from boxers who's facts don't necessarily check out? Keep recording whatever power tools are knocking about your squash court? Maybe you're trying to make your drums sound absolutely massive in that very same squash court! Well, whaddya know! The brothers Van Halen were trying to do the very same things during the recording of the Hagar classic For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. Remember, we're on Twitter! So Tweet us, dear listeners, Tweet us! @TalkinVanHalen

For god's sake wipe that smile off your face. I'm not interested in what that other fella has been up to, it's time for us to talk OU812! Have you got noisy neighbours writing riffs? Are they wanting to come into your house smoking a cigarette? Have you been trying to get away from it all? Are you trying to write some lyrics that will clearly be influenced by your fascination with beautiful Mexican resorts? If you can relate to any of the above, or even if you'd just like to, let's dig DEEP into OU812! Remember, we're on Twitter! So Tweet us dear listeners, Tweet us! @TalkinVanHalen

Holidays are coming, Holidays are coming, Holidays are coming.. The Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Van Halen Holiday special is HERE! We're taking a quick break from all things =VH= (well there's a slice of =VH= since we couldn't resist!) to bring you a blast of Christmas cheer for this holiday season, we'll be back in 2017 with all manner of Van Hagar delights, but in the meantime, mix up a margarita or sip on a pre-mixed JD & Coke and make sure your phones are sent to vibrate whilst we deliver the finest Christmas cheer two chaps in a boxy studio can! Send us your Christmas messages on the twitters! @TalkinVanHalen

What's that coming over the hill? It's blazing red, it's maybe insane, it's wearing Capri Pants? Look out! It's 5150 time! You know what listeners, it's really time you tended to that rattling noise your Lamborghini makes when you pull out of the Wal-Mart car park! While you're getting the old boy a service, you couldn't pick us up a new front man for the greatest rock and roll band of all time could you? Templeman's out jogging with DLR, Mo Ostin is smelling with his finger and the synths are in overdrive all this and MORE in our Van Hagar 5150 extravaganza! Remember, we're on Twitter! So Tweet us dear listeners, Tweet us! @TalkinVanHalen