Empire Of The Senseless

I put my finger in a jar of maca cinnamon almond butter. ‘Open your mouth. Okay, the trick is to stick it as far back on your tongue as you can, then suck my finger for as long as you want.’ She parts her lips and reservedly sticks out her tongue. ‘More.’ She tries. I feed her my secrets. She listens in the dark until the wee hours of the morning. She reaches for me; her fingers find an air of familiarity. She screams ‘Sage! Is that you? You look just like you used to when you were a small boy. Do you remember when you use to curl up in a ball with your little head falling in-between my gorgeous Persian thighs? I’ve wasted away in your absence, so my thighs are no more, but I think I’m beginning to remember.’ ‘Stop, talking. Suck. You’re supposed to be savoring the flavor’ I interrupt, as I stick two butter-coated fingers down her throat. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, its not sexual. I don’t want you inside. Its just dinner and dessert, its just cashew marinara night, it wasn’t all for you. I always have ca

‘Don’t stop singing…’ she pauses to read my nametag. Its being blocked by tiny a ninja voodoo doll, I’m your daddy baby, I’ll watch over you as you watch over me.  ‘Baby Sabia?’             ‘Mmm, you are a wise one. You can read. Don’t be fool, write only what you want to believe.’ I look at her dark blue scrubs; she’s got a pocket full of pens. ‘Sweetheart, look’ I point at her chest ‘you’ve got everything you could ever need. Don’t be scared. Rewrite this entire story instead. You have my word; it will be all you say it must. If you must, write me. Write my sneakers walking all the way home, right up to your baby blue toes. Write memory. Remember my love. You and I, we’ve been fucking around town for years waiting on your stupid ass to catch up.’              She scrunches her eyebrows; she doesn’t have a clue why I’m talking love at her. She’s just a girl in the hall at my hospital. She just checks IDs and asks for symptoms and gives out masks. She’s just learning: baby steps. I can see her try to chase my

I married P on the ground floor of the parking structure at fashion valley transit center. The mall is so fucking beautiful nowadays, completely desolate. Green is springing from the cracks in the pavement that no one dares to crush. No one is left, everyone ran and hid; everyone got sick of buying shit as a means of feeling alive. With no one left buying shit, all the money ceased to exist, and poof! Just like magic, we freed our achy bodies and started to scream bloody murder in the streets. Murder! Don’t tell me how to hold my hands out sir! I don’t want your currency. Get down on your knees and worship the ground beneath my feet. You’ve murdered her without regard for your own fate; the payment is your body. I look out of the bus window; there isn’t a stupid car in sight. Our wedding venue is flooded to our ankles. All are guests are in rain boots. You mum is pissy. Your brother’s dog is soaking wet. Your friends are not feeling it. They want an explanation. I say ‘Suck it up pretty princesses, this is my

‘You don’t know a single fucking thing about me!’ She screams. I’m not listening. ‘I’m busy balancing dear. Will you please stop all this incessant yelling? You’d think you’d want me back home or something silly like that.’ I jump of the giant tree and walk like a badass all the way to her frame. She’s shaking she’s so mad. ‘I’m so mad! I hate you so much Sage! I wont tell you. But oh man! Mother of God do I hate you! Do you have any idea what you’ve done? I can’t focus anymore. I cant read my homework because it the words aren’t laid out like I want them to be. I want everything to be, as I want it to be! Can you imagine this life inside of me? Can you imagine trying to parade this body around a City that decimates innocence, pushes poverty to it borders, pushes love out of a three-story window. You didn’t die, did you? Then what the fuck are you crying about? That’s what they were screaming at me. I just wanted to dance baby. I just wanted to own every stage in the entire world. I just wanted every light on

I walk into a sauna at two in the morning. I lay my aching muscles on the hot wood. He walks in, starts pacing. Starts breathing. Beads of sweat are sliding down his dark brown skin. I watch them. I watch them drip off the edge of his pelvic bone. I hear them hit the top of his shorts the floor the wall’s on fire. ‘Kinda feels like crying in here, doesn’t it? Can you hear the flames on these walls? I can. Do you listen to yourself cry? Do you let yourself moan like a baby? Do you let yourself put down your defenses for your own attempts to console the babyboy inside?’ I’ve broken a social silence. It was comfortable. Now he’s conscious of his breath. He tries to control it. He tries to think. He tries to speak, realizes he has nothing to say. ‘You don’t have to say anything. This isn’t an interrogation kid, I’m just observing. It’s all I do.’ He stops pacing. Leans against the flames, doesn’t look away. He hasn’t stopped looking deep into my eyes since I opened my mouth. He lifts his spine, still ablaze, and

I lean in and smack her lips with my own, grab her hand and start running down the steps. We stop running at the tracks and I start bobbing to MJ again. ‘Where are we going?’ She asks. Looking down the dark tunnel. ‘Is that where it comes from? Where does it go? I need to know Sage! I can’t just jump ship and leave everything behind because supposedly you are the love of my life. Suppositions are deadly. Let me explain.’ ‘No!’ I scream, as I slap my palm on her lips. ‘Stop moving these things for five seconds P, would you. I’m dragging you out of this institution. Higher learning is all over this precious City, but it sure as hell aint here sweetie pants. Don’t let go of my hand. Let me show you.’ Red comes riding over heated metal, through the dark and right up to the platform we’re leaning over. We get on. MJ is singing on my little green speaker, promising invincibility. Every head turns. She tells me to turn it down. ‘Not everybody wants to hear your shit on this ride. We’re all stuck in here on our way n

Ha! I lied. Mommy aint fine kiddo, mommy is in some serious trouble. Mommy forgot she was a gangsta. She forgot she was born at the bottom of the pool. Mommy got out and forgot her little newborn was still floating around somewhere. Good thing babies know how to swim. I guess. The girl still died somewhere along the line. But not before she beat the fuck out of every fucker trying to steal her place in the street. Yeah, mommy is fucked. Mommy is wearing cotton spun by dying hands. She feels it, but she has no fucking idea what the feeling is. Feels like something that needs to be cured. Don’t feel like nothing a little sleeping pill wont fix. Hey honey, why do you think you cant sleep? Huh? Yeah girl, you aint sleepy! Your body just so happens to remember who lies awake in the night. Too bad, huh? Your body remembers the scum of the earth. Such a drag, eh? Wouldn’t you rather remember me? Wouldn’t you like to forget this crap you’re hanging on to for dear life? What if my thick babygirl thighs were the only t

‘My dearest boy, haven’t you found peace?’             ‘At times, yes, I am ecstatic with it. There are days where I am able to do nothing go nowhere not eat nor sleep, those are the days I give into my breath. These are my boundaries; the armor I build for myself. But there is this unrest, my love; it burns under every inch of my skin. It pulls and screams and begs of my willingness to move for what seems like no reason. Move! I move. I am full of rage and I hate you! And I will find you. And I will save you. And I will bite my lip and clench my teeth while I stand before you. And you will say nothing, as my eyes will steal every stupid word from your quivering lips, as I’ve taught them so well to do. And then, with your unexpected silence piercing my guts, I will speak. You will be still in knowing there is nothing to be known. And peace will come again.’             When I close my eyes and dream I am 33. Normally age is meaningless to me. But these numbers are especially magical, as these are the present

I squeeze my arms around my arms as tight as I can, ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’             ‘I can’t fix this!’ I weep.             ‘Shhh. Baby, listen. I love you. I love you. I love you.’             I fall asleep in this shit that I woke up thinking I couldn’t sleep another night it. All last night I walked. I walked to the edge of the ocean, past the rose bush with your name on it, through the pews of the catholic cathedral by the bay, to the bench, through the hills that split Florida, into the canyon by your grave, up Dove St. Up up up, babyboy look up. Every star in sky burns for your next step. There’s nothing to fix and no one to save. Thank your lucky sun hands that they lived to press against her fire for just a moment. Let them burn. Let the blue veins pop in your fragile pale wrists and shoot up to your beating heart. Remember. Sing. Breathe a rhythm so powerful that the beat never stops. Ba de da da, boom! Smack dab into a dream fueled by every tree you touched today. You can roll arou

‘They don’t listen. They don’t listen. They don’t listen.’ I hear chanting. South America. South Africa. Cambodia. Vietnam. The Philippians. A basement in China, I kick the bars from the sidewalk. Shut up down there, you’ll scare the stupid puppies on their baby purple leather leashes. When will the collar and the strap that yanks the neck switch rolls? When will the natural world sweep in once again and take full control of these savage thinking machines? I throw up my hands at the edge of the sea and scream bloody murder. I stomp my naked feet and kick the sand, splash and run and cry and beg. ‘Please! I can’t sleep one more night in this shit. Our worthlessness. Our plastic cards injected into plastic boxes sticking out of brick, on top of pavement, under the pressure of her gaze. They spit out money; watch the manipulation continue to manipulate itself out of feeling anything. ‘Look, baby, he can’t eat! Look around you! Look at you dance. My god you’re fucking gorgeous. Are you hungry? Are they hungry? Wh

I can’t stop staring. The deep dark black center of her gaze is promising every little thing is going to be all right. I’ve been fasting on water only for three days. I tell myself it’s for my best performance. I have no money. I am waiting. The weakness turns into strength. She forces me to shift my perspective in eating. Its not about a tiny body babe, its about the energy. She remembers starving. She starts crying. I reach for her, my fingertips stub themselves on fogged glass. I turn the shower off and step into an empty bath, no running water. Nothing to drink, I remember. I start crying. ‘Come back she screams!’              ‘Felice Felice Felice. Little bratty baby, I haven’t gone anywhere.’ I jump on my bike and head for the library. She’s the first thing I see. I sit. I write. I laugh out loud by accident. I start singing too quietly for anyone to hear. I need to pee. I watch her walk. My knees grow weak but I’m walking anyway. I’ve been still; it’s time to prove my body’s ability to bring death back

‘I think when you walk in; I might just need a minute. Is that so fare, that you’d be so easy about taking my moments. Be careful boy, my moments are precious to me. Be careful what you steal without noticing. Be careful. I’m only tough on the outside. Shhh. Don’t tell any of these fucks, okay? I’m hiding. Most of them aren’t anything like it seems. Why don’t your words match your eyes? They smack me across my baby cheeks and stumble back like I’ve just killed their child. What do you see in bathroom mirror? I never stop antagonizing confusion. It’s why mostly I must hide my girlish gaze. It’s too sweet, too cute; doesn’t match the devil inside. I don’t stop. I never know when to stop. Do dare meet what you see? If you saw a completely different living thing than the flesh you knew you were standing in, would you engage in conversation? If it were another way of seeing everything you thought you knew to be true, would you challenge your own preconceived notions? Would you want to know why she chose to stare a

Blue button up, white under shirt. Of course she’s a librarian. What’s a boy to do? Sit. Write. Think more than I need to. I’m always thinking too much. She’s boyish. I like boys? Wait. I’m not gay. But I guess I am a lesbian. Ha! Here’s one, who the fuck cares. I look for the lights that dance around the skin, glowing off souls. I see baby blue. I see three buttons undone. I see curly brown. I see a strange reflection. I see a memory. Familiarity. I see hands that have touched me. I hear a voice that has held the weight of my own when I hadn’t a word left in the whole world. I want her eyes. I’m not wearing my glasses; I can’t see anything but colors. I see red running down porcelain thighs. I hear too many worthless apologies. No, you’re not sorry. You are welcome to stain my sheets my love. I see purple, dark straps keep my boots tight against slippery plastic. Pedal pedal pedal, splash! I hit every puddle. What are you sorry for? For fuck sake! If any one should be tripping over dumb apologies, it’s me; I

‘My mom wanted a Porsche, so she named me James Dean instead. She never got what she wanted. Instead she got me. She looks over my head, straight past my tiny frame. “Jenny! Get your lazy ass out of bed”             “I’m right here! Mami look! See me! Look at me go. I’m all grown up and I found the way to my voice. Mum, I can here everything, I speak every language; I am every man. My name is not Jenny!” I’m pulling on her stupid skirt. It’s new. It’s black. Silk. I want to lay my sleepy head in her lap when the fear takes over. But she never lets me close. Never lets my voice be spoken aloud. Never calls. Texts me back every three months or so, just to make sure I haven’t stopped begging. But secretly she wants nothing to do me. Well, that’s not entirely true. It’s hardly a secret. I tell myself it is, in secret, to reassure my heart that it is not hanging on like an idiot to a love that can never be returned like it was dreamed. In the perfect world, I tell her gently, where mommies aren’t stuck in cages an

‘Lets play house,’ I whisper to her, alone in the dark. You are the mommy and I’ll be the daddy. You can dance around all day and sing at the top of your lungs. And when night falls, I’ll be the man you always wanted me to be. I’ll go out and fight. I’ll work some stupid night shift. I’ll scrub up and get back to surgery. I’ll dissect this City until I know what’s causing the cancer I am seeing everywhere. I know its not what they claim it to be, that’s for damn sure.’             ‘Who are they?’ She asks playfully.              ‘Well, baby girl, I would tell you but than it’d take all the fun out of it. Where’s your sense of play? Don’t you remember the guessing game? Look toward the money honey, the closer you look, the clearer they’ll be. Don’t you remember anything at all? Hi, I’m Sage. The stoic boy by your side, whom you begged with your ginormous baby blue eyes not to leave your side, but then you couldn’t say the words. Then you had to go. I’m the guy! I’m the man you never had the chance to build a h

She calls, ‘why did you leave!’ She screams. She hangs up. I call back. She picks up. I whisper, ‘hey. ‘ Only sniffles on the other end, ‘hey,’ I say again. ‘It’s me. Its only me.’ She hangs up again. I call. She doesn’t answer. I call again. Nothing. She calls, I miss it, I’m swimming. I call; silently she reaches for the little green circle, presses the red one by accident. ‘Shit!’ she yells at herself in an empty room. She wants to reach. She stares and waits instead. She stares at the ceiling of a foreign room. She looks for chubby stars, finds none. She looks at her phone. Nothing. ‘Fuck!’ She yells again. It bounces off an uncomfortable emptiness. She tries to leave. Nope, can’t move a muscle. She tries to eat. Nope, can’t swallow. Can’t chew. Can’t speak. She sticks her fingers in her mouth to make sure she’s still got her tongue. Yup, slippery little bugger is still ticking on the back of her teeth. ING still gets stuck in the back of her throat, same accent different way of speaking. She’s looking fo

It was 90 years 364 days before I was born when I saw them dump Marguerite into a pit in the ground. I screamed at the sea with all my 11-year-old might. I told her I hated her guts. I made her feel ashamed to have rolled over the castles I built in the sand. I told her I’d never move for her again. ‘How could you let this be! You murderous divine! You coward! You sick monster! I wont let you live with this twisted fate you’ve dealt. Fuck your tides and fuck your gaze and fuck your might in calling my name. My mind has made up your powers. My soul is out of your reach. I wont leave her for dead!’ I stop yelling at the ocean like a lunatic and get back on my bike. I’m headed to Dove Street. Not the one with the canyon, the one that dips down the hillside. The one that climbs up to the one with the stars, the one where I laid beside her on the warm cement, she put he fingers on my tummy for the first time. She asked if I wanted chocolate. Then she jumped up, smiled wide, and ran inside. I thought she’d never co

'Tell me P, what's the difference between praying and begging? You have your God and I have mine.'  'Mum said "you never get what you want by crying and begging like a little brat, baby P." So I grew up.'  'Sometimes we get what we want. Sometimes we are just left screaming for it. Either way we've gotta reach with all our might. It's the only truth in all this. It's hope. It's praying on your hands and knees. It's looking up at me and laying your cheek on my tummy. It’s my hand on the back of your neck pushing you into my guts. It's praise and worship baby girl. I sing to you. Listen.'  'Hush, boy. Listen up. You're just a bunch of fancy phrases and a devious devotion and a brutal end. I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.'  'Ha! You couldn't lift me off the ground if your entire life depended on it Kitty Kat. What could you know about tossing me? You don't remember a thing. Anyway, I'm not worried. I've finally got a meeting place and a formal agreement. Formalities are silly, aint they? Almost roman

Once upon a time this City drove me crazy. I was such a little brat screaming ‘Fuck these people! Fuck these cars! Fuck the stars on cloudy nights. I hate when the moon can’t see me. Fuck the love that’s nowhere in sight! I hate your stupid guts. I love you I love you I love you. I hate how money makes the bodies inside of you tick. I hate your stupid scooters, zipping past humans with no home. I hate your fence in the middle of my ocean. Those waters belong to me! How dare you take ownership of freedom! How dare you put a price on the tides of the sea! She will repay you mercilessly. Do you even have a clue? What are you separating yourself from exactly? Yourself from the pain you are meant to see? Your precious wealth from the danger that lurks below the power of the poverty stricken streets of celebrated death; what are you so afraid of, history’s nature of repetition. Good! You should be. You’re a brute! Fuck you! Fuck you all!’ I yelled until my throat was sore. I pissed myself off with my own temper tan

First things first, boots on ground. I’ve gotta start walking. I’ll walk until I run into the right colors. I’ll pick my favorites before they pick my favorite spaces for me. I’ll walk until I’ve gathered all the right flowers. I’ll take only what I spot on the pavement. I take only what is left for dead. I want to cover my space with giant sunflowers, purple roses, big ole tulips, and a billion daisies! But that many simply don’t turn up at my feet. So I’ve got a couple dozen teeny tint things dying all around my home. I don’t care much to memorize names that have already been assigned. That’s another pair of eyes that just doesn’t see things how I see em. So I make my own instead. The pink ball of fluff flower on my sink has seen better days, yesterday for instance. Why must everything fade so fucking fast! I move too slowly for this world. I take one breath in and everything changes. I exhale the difference. I change who I am. I become the spaces around me as I move through them. I’m millions of faces ever