Dear Dougy

The public and often sensationalized nature of a murder-suicide can overshadow the heartbreak and grief of those left behind. In this episode, Stephanie, a grieving mother and wife, joins Jana to talk about the deaths of both her husband and daughter. Stephanie's story offers ideas and suggestions for others facing similar losses.   

V was six when her father died from cancer, but it wasn't until two decades later that she consciously engaged with her grief. A seeming random encounter at a local craft store cracked open emotions she wasn't able to explore as a child, leading to an avalanche of grief she never expected. As an adult, V turns to art and connections with others who are grieving for solace and understanding. 

"How do I tell my children?" When someone dies of suicide, parents and caregivers want to know how to talk with their children about the death. Jana and Joan Schweizer Hoff explain why it's so important to tell children the truth about suicide and offer concrete suggestions for how to talk with them. For additional information, please see The Dougy Center's Suicide Resources Tip Sheet

Under the best of circumstances, the November & December holidays can be stressful. Add in grieving a loss and they can feel completely overwhelming. In this episode, you'll hear suggestions for navigating this time of year and ideas for incorporating memories of those who have died into your holiday traditions. The Dougy Center's Getting Through the Holiday Tip Sheet and Holiday Plan Worksheet Jana and Rebecca refer to can be found here: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/getting-through-the-holidays/  

The last in a three-part series talking with those grieving the death of someone when the relationship was complex, difficult, or challenging. Jana talks with Diana about her father who died after seven years of no contact with him. Her mother, whom she was very close with, died 13 years earlier. 

This is the second episode in a three-part series about grieving when the relationship with the person who died was difficult or challenging. Jana talks with Ashley, whose relationship with her brother was very conflicted. In the year before his sudden death, they began to reconcile, adding another layer to the complexity of grief when he died. 

This is the first in a three-part series about grieving when the relationship with the person who died was complex or conflicted. In this episode, Jana is joined by Jenny, a mother of three who experienced the loss of her husband and their father. Jenny talks about how her grief was affected by the fact that she and her husband were recently separated when he died. She also offers advice and suggestions for other parents and caregivers in similar situations.   

Why do people die of suicide? Join Jana and Donna Schuurman for a discussion about this complex question.  Two prominent theories mentioned by Donna: Edwin Shneidman “Suicide is caused by psychache. Psychache refers to the hurt, anguish, soreness, aching, psychological pain in the psyche, the mind. Suicide occurs when the psychache is deemed by that person to be unbearable.”  Reference: Suicide as Psychache: A clinical approach to self-destructive behavior, (1995), p.51.  Thomas Joiner 1. Perceived Burdensomeness 2. Thwarted Belongingness 3. Acquired capacity/decreased fear of pain of death Reference: Why People Die by Suicide (2007). 

Eleanor and Litsa from What’s Your Grief join us as special guests to talk about becoming a parent when you’re grieving the death of your own parent or sibling. Listen in for suggestions on how to help your children build a relationship with the memory of the person who died and ways to make time for your own grief and self-care.    Resources for talking with children and teens about death: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-child/ http://www.tdcbookstore.org http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/supporting-a-grieving-child/ http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/supporting-a-grieving-teen/   Article mentioned by Eleanor: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/05/mother_s_day_gift_the_value_of_writing_letters_to_your_children_while_you.html   Book mentioned by Litsa: The Disappearance is a memoir by Genevieve Jurgensen whose two young daughters were killed in a car crash. She seeks ways to help her other children, who were born after the crash, to know and feel connected to their siste

Have you ever struggled with the idea of finding closure in grief? Given grief’s ongoing and evolving nature, the search for final closure can be a misguided pursuit, one that leaves us disheartened and even ashamed. In this episode you’ll hear from a variety of grieving young adults as they break open the idea of closure and identify significant turning points in their process. You’ll learn about moments of clarity, confusion, new understandings, and what it's like when the sharp emotions rise up again. Thank you so much to everyone who contributed to this episode.

When someone dies, it creates upheaval in the support system, leading to unfamiliar territory in terms of how to help those with different perceptions and expressions of grief such as language, repetitive gestures or patterning, emotional disconnect, and searching behaviors. Although the outward expression of someone’s grief may be difficult to recognize, the need for their grief to be acknowledged and supported is universal. In this episode, Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children and adults with developmental disabilities in their grief Suggestions for supporting children or adults with developmental disabilities in their grief: Acknowledge the loss by being present and responsive to their verbal and behavioral cues. Affirm that they are not alone, name the support people they have. Maintain a consistent routine as much as possible. Give a lot of advanced notice for when their daily routine may change or be unusual. Facil

How do we help children when a family member is dying? The diagnosis of a terminal illness brings uncertainty, fear, and heartbreak into their lives, leaving the adults who love them unsure of what to do or say. In this episode, Jana talks Tony Grace about how to best support children when a family member has an advanced serious illness. Here are some suggestions for ways to talk with them about the illness and activities to help them process their reactions, fears, and concerns. Children need space, time, and language to understand the changes that are taking place and that will take place in the future. If you have multiple kids of different ages, it is important to use words and phrases that are age appropriate for each of them. When communicating as a family, a good rule of thumb is to engage in conversation on a level so that the youngest child can understand, Have separate conversations with the older children and invite each child to have an individual conversation through the weeks and months a

Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children who experience the death of a brother or sister. The loss of a child shatters assumptions parents hold regarding their role as protector and their beliefs about the natural order of children outliving their parents. A child’s death can cause tremendous upheaval in families as a parent’s overwhelming grief pulls them away from their surviving children, often leaving siblings alone to deal with their own grief. Children and teen siblings grieve a unique relationship, one of friend and foe, a companion that will travel alongside in life’s adventures. After a sibling death, children and teens may question their own importance, wondering, “Am I not enough?”     Suggestions for supporting a grieving sibling: Grieve together as a family, allowing space for the individual expression of grief. Celebrate together, choosing important days and rituals of remembrance. Talk with each other about anything and ever

Jana talks with Erin Shuster about the death of her brother from suicide. A former young adult group participant and volunteer, Erin talks openly about the unique aspects of grief when someone dies of suicide and how she learned to identify her needs and advocate for herself.  For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/   Know a child who is grieving? The Dougy Center Workbook: After a Suicide Death: an Activity Book for Grieving Kids is designed for those ages 5-12.   Other great resources for suicide grief support: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.afsp.org Suicide Bereavement Support NW: www.sbsnw.org

Jana and Joan Schweizer Hoff talk about navigating Father’s Day while grieving. Joan, a long-time staff member at The Dougy Center, shares both personal and professional experiences in constructing new ways to approach the holiday. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a father, or parenting a child who is,  some of these suggestions may be helpful: Know that for many, the lead up is the worst part. If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them ahead of time about what they would like to do or not do. Let children know that it’s okay to still want to celebrate and it’s okay to not want to celebrate. Don’t force a child to pick another adult to honor, unless that’s something they want to do. If you are a grieving parent, consider whether and how you want to engage with the holiday - perhaps you recreate a tradition you shared with your child or do something new for yourself. Come up with a plan - even if that plan is to do nothing. If you do want to do something, consider doing something that

Jana and Donna Schuurman discuss terms to avoid, and what to say instead, when talking about suicide. Here is a link to download our Tip Sheet on how to support children and teens who have had someone die of suicide. Terms not to use (and why): 1. “Committed Suicide” Committed suicide,’ with its implications of criminality, is a carryover from the Middle Ages, when civil authorities, finding the victim beyond their reach, punished the survivors by confiscating their property. Victims were forbidden traditional funerals and burials, and suicide was considered both illegal and sinful by the laws and religions of the time. 2. “Completed Suicide” or "Successful Suicide" These terms make it seem like something to celebrate: He completed this! She was successful! 3. “Suicided” We don't say someone "cancered" or "car accident-ed"... 4. Using "suicide" as a noun (as in "he was a suicide")  This reduces the person to the mode of their death.  Better terms: 1. Died by Suicide The Compassionate Friends was the first to

Jana talks with Jenna, a participant in The Dougy Center's group for young adults, about the experience of losing her mom when she was a child and then her father, just before the start of her senior year at college.  For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/ Other great resources for young adults who are grieving: Websites www.modernloss.com www.whatsyourgrief.com Books Wild, by Cheryl Strayed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers The Long Goodbye, by Meghan O'Rourke

Tips for grieving through Mother’s Day Whether you want to acknowledge the day or want to ignore it, know that the lead up, for many people, is the worst part. It can help to make a plan for the days leading up to Mother’s Day. If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them and their teacher ahead of time about possible activities at school. Work with the teacher and the child to come up with alternatives and options.  Let children know they can still celebrate Mother’s Day - and that it’s okay if they don’t want to. Don’t force children to pick another adult to honor, unless it’s something they want to do.  Know that there will be an inundation of advertisements in many places. If needed, come up with some strategies to navigate shopping and social media.  Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post. Maybe choose a favorite picture and think ahead about what you want to write.  Identify other women in your life you would like to celebrate- and - it’s okay if you don’t

After a death, it’s not unusual for children to have an increased sense of fear and anxiety. (It’s not unusual in adults, either.) When bad or sad things happen, it’s natural to be afraid more bad things will happen. The questions and concerns are normal: How will we live without the person who died? Who will take care of me?  Will someone else die? Where do people go after they die?  Will I die too? There's PDF tip sheet included with the podcast. The tipsheet can also be found here: http://www.dougy.org/docs/TDC_Fears_Tip_Sheet_10_14.pdf

Losing and finding yourself in grief. Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won’t share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels: Spiritual shifts Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks. Want to be social/difficult to be around people More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama Put more time and energy into relationships Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work Can’t seem to exercise/exercise all the time – need it Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief – vs. can’t tolerate them at all As