Intentional Living With Tanya Hale

For me, few things cause more discomfort than feeling disempowered.  The idea that someone else gets to decide what happens to me, how my life turns out, how I feel, doesn't sit well with me.  Knowing how to feel empowered in life gives us confidence and assurance and hope for our future.  Today we are talking about four things we can do to create more empowerment in our lives.

It can be so easy to look at other people's poor behavior and get really judgy about it, especially when it is hurtful toward us or someone we love.  But one of the greatest shifts that we can experience in life is when we begin to see other people's hurtful behavior coming from a place of pain.  When we can recognize that 'hurt people hurt people', and begin to look beyond the behavior and see instead the pain that is spawning the behavior, we can move into a much more compassionate and kind place.  In so doing, we can create a safe space for the other person to see and acknowledge their pain and their behavior, and we can feel amazing about how we are engaging in our relationships.

So many of us get caught in people-pleasing.  This is a space of trying to please others, often at our own expense, and seeking others' approval.  In this episode we not only talk about how people-pleasing shows up in our lives, but where it stems from and how we can begin to move out of constantly worrying about how others perceive us, and feel really good and confident about how we are showing up for ourselves.

Are you someone who gets stuck making decisions?  You just might find that it has more to do with how you respond to the decisions you make than the actual making of the decision.  In this episode we talk about the reasons why making decisions can be difficult, how to make decisions easier, and how to move with more confidence when you finally get there.

Sione (my husband) and I have some rules we feel make a huge difference in helping us to create the intimate partnership we want.  These were put in place the weekend we decided to date exclusively, and we continue to implement them because they have made such an amazing impact in our marriage.  Our hope is that our rules will spark ideas for you to create your own rules and have more connected relationships in your life.  

Obligation is such a detrimental concept when it exists in our relationships. Obligation comes from a place of fear, a place that relies on 'have to' or 'should'.  And this is a space that will never create intimacy in our relationships - whether they be with a partner, with God, or with ourselves.  In this podcast we discuss more in-depth the dangers of obligation and how to begin the move out of it.

It can be so easy to get stuck in resistance to middle-age.  This can often show up with patterns of behavior that damage our relationships and keep us stuck.  And yet, learning to lean into all of these mid-life changes, to accept them and, yes, even embrace them, is the key to really creating the life we want and discovering ourselves at a deeper level.  Believing that the best is yet to come will move you into the most amazing time of your life, which is now!  

When we feel disempowered, we often don't recognize it as a result of our own thought processes.  And yet, when we allow ourselves to settle into shame or blame, we are creating just the right environment to feel disempowered.  Feeling in control of our lives requires that we counter our shame with self-acceptance, and our blame with self-awareness.  

Learning to replace shame and judgment with compassion and curiosity in our relationships with ourselves and with others will create a huge shift in the quality and intimacy of those relationships.  Whereas shame and judgment will shut us down and stop our progression, compassion and curiosity will create a safe space for growth and exploration.  They give us the opportunity to really come to know ourselves and others, and to move into deeper connection.  And isn't connection what we really want in developing relationships?

Contrary to what your mother told you, life really is all about you!  This episode has nothing to do with ignoring others pain or being selfish, but rather intentionally choosing to take on the responsibility for being the person you really want to be.  About showing up as the best version of yourself.  This is what you can control in any circumstance, and it has everything to do with you!

The time in our life when we put divorce on the table is tough.  There are so many things to consider, tons of pressure, the grief of unfulfilled dreams, and the pain of perceived failure.  We really want to make sure that we make the best decision for us, that we don't walk away when things could have gotten better.  From my own work, and work with a lot of clients going through this process, today I am sharing some ideas of what you really want to make sure happens so that you can make the best decision for you, so that you're really content with the reasons for your decision, whether you choose to stay or to go.

Divorce is often one of the biggest challenges in a person's life.  And it impacts a lot of people, not just those in the immediate family.  So often friends and family struggle with knowing how to handle the divorce of people they love.  What should they say?  What should they do?  Today we're going to talk about the best way to show up for the divorce of someone you love.  

I love low maintenance things, and I put a lot of value on being low maintenance in my marriage.  But with the tools I now have, I can see that in my previous marriage the things I considered would me a low maintenance spouse, were actually very damaging and hurtful, and in reality, very high maintenance that added to the demise of my marriage.  Now I still value being and having a low maintenance relationship, but it looks almost the opposite of what I used to engage in.  Let's take a look!

I used to think that if I was doing life 'right', that I would be happy all of the time, that I wouldn't need to have challenges or trials.  I was so cute and misguided back then!  Now my understanding of the struggle has deepened and grown so that now I see it as an amazing place for growth and progression.  The tension created by struggle is actually necessary for our progression and happiness, and learning to take responsibility for our responses during struggle is a vital piece of the truth about the struggle.

Most people I know would put honesty at the top of their values list.  But there is one place that many of us consistently lie - and that is in our relationships.  Not so much about things happening or what we're doing, but in not showing up as the real us, in pretending to be someone we think the other person wants, or someone who we think seems safer.  This is one of the most harmful things we can do in a relationship, and today we're going to talk about what that looks like, how to step into vulnerability, and how to start showing up as the person you really are inside.

Just what is the connection between self-respect and being wrong?  I'll give you a hint - it has to do with self-awareness and self-honesty.  When we are truly able to acknowledge when and where we are wrong, we provide opportunities for growth, and this creates greater self-respect.  Being wrong is a human condition, we may as well embrace it and use it for good!

When we think that someone is better or worse than we are, we are engaging in one-upping or one-downing, and it's really harmful for our relationships.  To really created connection and intimacy with those in our lives, it's important to start learning how to create equality, to see each other as equals, whether this be in a marriage relationship, a parent/child relationship, or a friend or co-worker relationship.  All of these can benefit by learning how to step out of one-upping and one-downing.

Women in middle-age can often struggle with feeling seen and heard.  And with the social conditioning of the 70s and 80s, it's not surprising.  But if we are to create the intimate, equal partnerships we really desire, it is imperative we start standing up and speaking up.  Today we talk about why we may struggle with this and how to start creating a pattern of being seen and being heard.

Do you identify with being a 'Fixer'?  Here's the thing.  We really do think that we're fixing things and making them better.  But the hard truth is that we're actually making things worse and breaking down connection with the people we love the most.  So, how do we stop trying to fix things that really aren't broken?  Let's chat about it!

This week I had the honor of being interviewed by Jody Moore, another life coach.  In this interview, I share my top recommendations and advice for anyone going through a divorce. I show you why pointing fingers at your spouse is preventing your healing, how to approach yourself with compassion as you take responsibility for your next chapter of life, and why a mid-life divorce can be the perfect storm for creating a better version of ourselves.