Empire Of The Senseless

‘It’s the screaming that I can’t take! Do you hear them?’ ‘Yes! It’s something close to freedom! I’m not afraid.’ ‘You should be.’ ‘Well, only when I try to write.’ ‘Then try a little harder.’ I slam the door in her face and step back outside. It’s still wet. Sia is still screaming. The grass still tickles my toes if I skip through her quick enough. I’m infected. I know! I know that I know what no one knows. I know the way I dance at four in the morning is not accepted by my love. I know I worry my love. I know my love will leave. I know there’s no place like home. I know my flesh and bones will be the only home I ever get to know. I know every love I ever know will provide the home that my body craves most. I know nothing else on this earth will ever mean a thing but this craving. I know I must use my voice. I know I must sing. I just don’t know where yet. I don’t know where it all goes up in flames; I just know how I will let it. I don’t know how to put Sia to words; I just know how to dance to her in the r

‘Cry your heart out little baby. That’s the only way to feel a thing.’ ‘That’s what you think mister.’ She has a blade tickling my tummy. I don’t think she could, not for a second, so I laugh as loud as I possibly can. Ha! I grab the back of her neck and pull her toward my aching lips. No kiss. No lips meet in this shitty story. As soon as I feel the cold steal inside my guts everything starts to make complete sense. ‘Senseless shit is all this is. Every last bit of it.’ 

‘I am a brat. I know. But I know too, I need courage when its time to leave everything I love, only in the pursuit of movement. Only in the pursuit of you.’ ‘Don’t bring me into this. I’m nowhere in this world close to you. I am a spirit floating. I dance on cliffs that would cost you a pretty penny just to let your eyes graze over, only a second, then it’s all gone. Poof! It’s like magic. I will be missed. But never will I be left behind. Isn’t it magical!’ Nuweibaa at dawn is magic, my dear. All else pales in comparison to your foolish childlike gaze, and yet still I move on. Isn’t it a precious life we’re given? We should move on. Always. We should move.  ‘What’s the P stand for?’ Asks the mum to be, leaning over the wet railing, staring into the pier.  ‘Passing over P.’ ‘No. Really?’ ‘Parting the red sea.’ ‘Stop fucking with me.’ ‘I wish cutie pants, what do you want from me?’  ‘Nothing.’ ‘Its settled than, I’ve set you free.’ ‘Haven’t you seen pony boy? Nothing is free. You will always belong to me.’ ‘

Ollie gets sick and tired of my drunken bullshit and gets up from the blue couch. She starts towards me; I’m leaning against the post of the door that separates room from room. Which room? I’ve forgotten. Let it be, its just another home worth leaving for the next. She reaches my tiny frame, grabs the left side of my face with her right palm, says ‘you know you’re fucking crazy, yeah?’ ‘Yeah. I know. Its just…well it’s the craziest shit babe…its just, you.’ ‘No!’ ‘Yes! Fucking Christ, how long must we fight over dead shit!’ She swings the other palm, clumsily, up to slap the right side of my sweaty face. It’s a hundred and ten degrees in the south and I’m leaving but she doesn’t seem to mind. She grips my cheeks and refuses to let go. ‘Listen here, mister’ she starts up through baby tears streaming uncontrollably, ‘I am too scared to let you go.’ ‘No. Sweet cheeks, I’ve stolen all the fear, remember, you’re wild! You’re free to wander like a soldier without a single thing to fight for but love.’  She pushes m

‘Certainly not sweet Sage, by all means, fear nothing! It’s the flowers I ache for, not you. Haven’t you been paying any attention?’ Ollie notices she’s been holding my hand. Notices we started walking along the cliffs together for no apparent reason. After I stuck out my tongue, I giggled loud enough to steal every ounce of doubt in a hundred mile radius. Without it, she was shameless. The terror went running after the shame and all that remained were two sets of eyes trying stubbornly not to burst into tears. She was British after all. So we just started walking, silent kids, hand in hand, nothing else to do but move our toes. 

            ‘We’re going dancing!’             ‘No Mami, I don’t want to do. I don’t feel good. I feel like puking. I feel like screaming ‘help me my love, I love the ocean and I love you! I love too many! I must move, but please be perfectly still, I’ve lost my will and all I have is you.’ She lets me sleep. She holds me tight and never lets go. She drives a little green Jeep, 1984. She’s 18 when I’m 19 going on 20, 20 when I’m 22. ‘Baby, how old are we?’ 

Olivia: Watch it buster! I’m trying to swim here.  Sage:  I love you. Olivia: I know, but truth is its time to let go, this business of drowning our childlike tendencies as we grow up, I think love gets the cold shoulder in these waters.  Sage drags Olivia out of the water. Olivia: I love you. Where are we going? Sage:  What? Olivia: I said, where are we going? Sage:  No! The other part! Olivia: I said I’d love to know where were going. Sage reaches out for Olivia’s hand. Sage:  Hold tight babygirl. I haven’t got a bloody clue!  

‘Yes, yes I am.’ I mutter. I fiddle with light the seat the air; her knees catch me off guard. I must touch everything! Her hand is on my seat. She’s breathing on purpose. Shh. Be gentle, words scare so many of us, but surely they don’t mean a single thing. I start shaking, my thighs are always first, like I want to burst into a sprint and scream with joy at the top of my lungs; but there’s nowhere I’d rather be than next to her knees, so I shake. She whispers in Russian, its only music. I can’t look at anything but my fingertips. I watch them make up words for me, I read them aloud so my soul doesn’t give up hope in me. 

The kids are behind us. I swear to you, I’ve seen this too. We went everywhere together. Slipped into a stream, tripped over some abandoned tracks, you refused to pull your sticky palm from mine. ‘Mine!’ you’d scream. Pulled me back into the muddy water and kissed me gently on my chubby cheek. I was strong for an eight year old, a real tough guy. You were a fairy, a whole entire two years older; you lit up the whole fucking night sky and never asked once if it needed you. Just in the name of desire, a precious innocent lust for the whole entire world. ‘Here! Take it!’ You’d scream. I want everything! I want it all to be free, fucking take me! Teach me to see in such a magnificent light. 

‘We cant save what we cant see. Its like a little switch in your brain, flip it and you’ll barely notice them there. You’ll start asking them to move over in the pouring rain so you don’t poke their eye out with your umbrella. It’s a big colorful thing your standing under, you’d hate to get wet, but mostly, violence is a horrible thing.’