Intentional Living With Tanya Hale

Learning how to stay in our own lane can be tricky because it is often disguised as love and wanting to help.  And yet, when we try to control other people's thoughts or feelings, when we try to control their decisions and outcomes, we are veering into their lane.  So, how do we recognize and become more aware of when we're getting in other people's lanes?  And how do we learn to stay in our own lane?  Let's talk about it.  

So many of us are miserable in partnerships because we feel unseen and unheard.  We feel that our wants and needs are not considered and that our worth depends on how well we fulfill the wants and needs of others, especially our partner.  And yet, the true connection and intimacy we so deeply desire will never be available to us until we step into equal partnership with them, and that starts with us becoming an equal partner.

I am often asked what the difference is between people pleasing and being kind.  It's a great question because often the behavior will look exactly the same.  The difference lies in our motives behind the behaviors.  Are we engaging from a place of fear and trying to control the other person's feelings or behaviors in some way, or are we engaging from a place of love and choosing to show up the way we want to?  When we can learn to tune into our own motivations, we can clean up our engagements with others and reduce the people pleasing behaviors that destroy our relationships with others and ourselves.

The phrase 'I'm fine' can be so destructive to our relationships.  Often we use it to deflect having a tough conversation, but what we're really doing is lying and gaslighting.  What we are really doing is burying our thoughts and feelings and letting them fester until we've got a lot of resentment brewing inside of us.  Let's talk about how to stop being fine and start being honest.

Our tendency as humans to have a drama response to situations is so normal.  But not helpful.  Dropping into drama expends a lot of energy, causes us to show up in ways we're not proud of later, and often damages relationships.  In this podcast I share four ways to recognize when we're having a drama response and keep from going there.

'Should' is a word that is used way more in our conversations than it 'should' be.  It's a passive-aggressive word that pulls our judgment and lack of acceptance into a nice little bundle that says, 'you're not doing it right,' and 'you're not good enough,' even though it sounds much softer and seemingly kinder.  But it's still destructive to our relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Learning to clean up the 'shoulds' from your conversation will help you show up with more kindness and compassion and stop heaping shame onto others.

There are things in life that happen to us that are not our fault.  For example, our spouse may have an affair and want a divorce.  To stay out of victim mentality, it's important that we step into responsibility for our situations in life.  But how do we take responsibility when it really isn't our fault?  When what we're going through is because of someone else's choices?  

Another blast from the past!  I love this episode so much, it's a replay of episode #195, What Are You Sorry For?  'I'm sorry' is probably one of the most used phrases by women in our society.  We have been conditioned to use this phrase not just when we have done something hurtful or wrong, but very often even when we are just taking up space as a human.  Today we're going to take a closer look at why it's important to stop apologizing for being a breathing human and how to acknowledge our space in the world with more gratitude and grace. 

Engaging in martyr behavior can be really easy for so many of us.  In this week's podcast we're digging deeper into specific behaviors that a martyr engages in, and also ways that you can start to work through your own martyr tendencies.

This week I'm playing for you another great podcast from the past.  Being a martyr is something that can come so easily for many of us, and being able to recognize how and when and where it is showing up in our lives can really help us to feel more powerful in our lives as we clean up our engagements with other people and show up more honestly and loving.  

The Law of the Lid is a concept taught by John C. Maxwell, a leadership expert.  When applied to the work we do here, we are talking about how our own self love puts a lid on our capacity to both give and receive love to and from others.  When applied to people in our lives with whom we struggle to connect emotionally, this concept can help you to understand them and show up with more compassion and grace.

You know that phrase 'growing old gracefully'?  It's time for a shift.  How about we all start thinking about Growing Old Boldly?  My friend, and fellow mid-life coach Kwavi, joins me today for a discussion about how we can start living more boldly as we age, and not less.  We have so much amazingness to contribute to the world as we age, so let's jump in with both feet!

What makes a person lovable?  Is it their charisma?  Their kindness?  Their willingness to serve?  Actually, it isn't any of those things.  Those things might make it easier to love someone, but whether we do love someone or not depends solely on our love ability.  If you're interested in increasing your ability to love others, listen up!

When we struggle to show up our best selves, it can be really frustrating, even disheartening.  And when we have a tendency to get on our case and even beat ourselves up for our mistakes and short-comings, we start digging a hole that makes it hard to start moving forward again.  But when we can extend grace to ourselves for when we fall short of our ideal, we create a place that is so much easier to get moving again in the direction we want.  Embracing the idea that sometimes we are just human and don't make decisions in alignment with what we want, is a powerful place to be, I call that the Sometimes Space.  It's a beautiful place of acceptance and love and compassion.

Communication can be the source of our greatest connections to other people, or it can be the source of some of our greatest disconnections to other people.  When communication is not happening or when things are misinterpreted, we create frustrations and relationship breakdowns.  But when understood and entered into with intention and curiosity, communication can be just the thing to bring emotional intimacy and connection to the people we love.  Good communication can change your relationship, and what we talk about today will get you started.

Have you ever said something like, 'I just wish I could take their agency away and make them do what I know is best for them!'?  I think probably most of us have at some point, especially if we have adult children!  And yet, agency is not only a gift from God for us to learn from our own choices, but it is also a gift from God to help us learn how to become more like Him in honoring and respecting others' agency.  When we can learn to really accept other people's agency, then we are learning how to show up in more Christlike and loving ways.  

Learning to advocate for ourselves is a skill that many of us haven't acquired yet, and until we do, we will struggle with self-respect and with having the equal relationships that we desire.  When we come to realize that our wants and needs are just as important and valid as anyone else's, we can advocate with more clarity and confidence.  Fellow life and divorce coach Samantha Nielsen joins me today in a discussion about what advocating means, why it's important, and how to do it.  

Gaslighting is a term that has really gained some traction in the past 12 years, and some of us may still be a little sketchy on what exactly it means.  In today's podcast, I reference two articles that give concrete examples and phrases that will help you understand with more what gaslighting is so that you can increase your awareness of where you may be showing up manipulating others with gaslighting techniques.  

All of us have felt resentment at one time or another.  Resentment is one of those emotions that we call 'indulgent emotions' because it may feel good and justified, and even feel like it's productive, when in reality, it keeps us stuck.  And it usually keeps us stuck in a place we don't want.  So, how do we work through resentment and into movement again?  That's what today's podcast is all about.

Do you ever struggle with motivation?  I think it's just part of the human condition to have to figure out how to get things done.  And although there are a lot of quick tricks and tips we can use to get us moving, in this podcast we're talking about how to change your thinking around the things you want to do so that your motivation comes from your brain and you become more intrinsically motivated to do the things you really want to.