Practice Of Being Seen

Conversations around dismantling systemic racism are becoming increasingly urgent and persistent.  But for some of us, we can feel lost on how we can contribute, even when our intentions are good.  No one wants to do it wrong.  We are all needed in this movement nonetheless.  So, what does this mean for therapists, healers and change-makers?   We have to start by asking the question:  What needs dismantling within my own life and what needs expansion?   Does therapy look the same for all peoples? What is the difference between anti-racism and liberation psychology?  And what can we do to move through the discomfort that arises within discourse around race?  In this episode, I connect with Shawna Murray-Browne, LCSW-C, a liberation-focused psychotherapist and healer in Baltimore, Maryland. We discuss why we can’t continue to use the same concepts, practices, and applications for all. Shawna shares how we all have an opportunity to recognize the needs of brown and black persons inside and outside of the the

Earlier in this season on the Practice of Being Seen, Molly Merson, MFT, and I initiated a discussion around the “American collective unconscious”.  It’s such a complex, layered subject. And though we covered quite a bit of ground in in that hour of conversation, there still is so much more to explore. And so many questions to open up to possibility.   Through this exploration of our collective unprocessed traumas and the deep healing we need, we’re really talking about witnessing in a collective experience in which we are all implicated.  How do we make space for more witnessing?  We also discuss responsibility and resilience, post-traumatic growth, and the Parkland shooting victims and activists.  We ask about the American Dream:  Who is dreaming it and who is it for?  We ask about the possibility of equality:  Can it ever be so?  When the urgency of fighting back and holding others accountable is so palpable and necessary, where is the space for hope, for dancing, for aliveness?   Ultimately, we are aski

The term “dissociation” can drum up quite a bit of fear in people.  Many will immediately think of what we used to call “multiple personalities disorder” and respond: “Hey, I’m not crazy!” But in truth, we all dissociate from time to time.     So what exactly is dissociation?  You might misplace your keys now and then or you might shut down in a heated argument with your partner, but how do we know if this is a disconnection from self?  From time and space?   It turns out, the clues are in our moments of calm, rather than the stressful ones.  Are we really experiencing calm?  Or, are we just checking out, numbing up?     This week’s guest, Stacey Steinmiller, LCSW-R, specializes in dissociation and is here to clarify the meaning of dissociation with a high level of compassion and nonjudgment.  She explains how dissociation starts as a useful coping mechanism to stress and trauma, when things start to go awry, how practicing both calm and pleasant emotions are the key to finding agency when confronted wi

A brief summary of this episode

How does neurodiversity ripple into all facets of our lives and society at large?  And when we talk about neurodiversity, are we all somewhere on the spectrum or is there a “normal”?  The truth is, there is no normal. And that must mean that there is no one way to learn, no one way to communicate, no one way to view or be in the world.  Neurodiversity--or, the natural variance in human genomes that result in a range of neurological conditions, from ADHD and autism to dyslexia and numerous others--surely must influence more than just childhood education.  In what ways does might it influence our relationships as adults?  And what might trauma’s role play in neurodiversity? This week’s guest, Larry Stein, calls those with neurological conditions “the most vulnerable of the vulnerable” and that even young children are aware of their difference from others.  Together, we discuss our personal experiences with learning disabilities, how learning disabilities shape self-esteem, the extensive effort that goes into a

Modern motherhood can look like many different things, but there tends to be a few connective threads that aren’t often discussed. One is that modern moms from all walks of life are juggling a lot in their day-to-day. Another is that many of us aren’t prepared for the dramatic internal shifts that motherhood brings about.  

If you have ever aspired to step into a leadership role, or consider yourself a leader but want to do it better, you’re going to love this week’s conversation.  I’m speaking with Traci Ruble, a therapist, public speaker, and CEO of multiple projects.  We’re talking about redefining what leadership really means, how to truly listen, and why both are so important in human life.  Traci has such a unique process in getting onstage, from concept to delivery and post-review.  It’s all about giving yourself permission, working through the imposter syndrome, and noticing when you feel most embodied.     We also talk about the importance of relationships as leaders, with our tribes, our partners, and with those we lead and work with.  Traci has learned valuable ways of ensuring that she and others feel supported, to combat the loneliness as well as honor our existence.  Deep listening is a big piece of that, but I love the way that Traci redefines what listening really means.  This truly is the Practice of Being See

Approximately 20% of the world’s population carries the Highly Sensitive personality trait.  That’s basically 1 in 5 people you’ll encounter on a given day.  You might be highly sensitive yourself.  But there’s quite a bit of stigma that comes along with the word “sensitive” and the term “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP) is often misunderstood. Given that most therapists and healers are also HSPs and about 50% of their clientele are as well, it’s imperative that we demystify the gifts and challenges that Highly Sensitive People experience internally and put forth into the world.   As an HSP myself, I’m thrilled to be talking with April Snow, AMFT, a therapist who focuses on HSPs in her practice and runs an incredible online community for highly sensitive therapists.  The topic of high sensitivity is so big that it’s a real challenge to say it all in the span of a single episode. But, April and I really touch on a lot, from defining what the HSP trait really is and the gifts and challenges that come with it, t

We often think fear is designed to keep us safe.  When you shift focus you may find it’s that very fear that keeps each of us from living out our dreams. Perhaps we misunderstand fear’s purpose and message. It’s uncomfortable to be in relationship with fear so we tend towards making choices that allow us to avoid fear altogether, that keep us safe (and playing small). The thing is, that our fears cloud our ability to enjoy the crap out of our lives. Fear and joy coexists simultaneously, constant companions.  We don’t eventually become unscared.  Instead, we learn to feel the fear and move forward anyway.   In this discussion, Lauree Ostrofsky and I reflect on the power in vulnerability, possibility and community—that sometimes, we just need someone to be the first to be vulnerable to give us permission to do the same.  We talk about laying groundwork for our dreams, seeding our visions, and about choosing our words and company wisely along the way.  And we discuss the importance in viewing joy and pleasure

Couples come to therapy for a myriad of reasons. But often, the real reason why they’re showing up is the thing hidden underneath their reasons.  The solution is nearly always found in holding a magnifying lens up in those moments of conflict and, as this week’s guest Shake Birkel says, “owning our shit”. Suddenly, “Why is he/she doing this to me?” shifts into an opportunity to sit with our emotions and recalibrate our connections. Shane Birkel, a therapist and fellow podcaster, is no stranger to these magnifying glass moments.  Together, we discuss the ways raising kids can shift a relationship in positive ways, the lessons we get from failure, the differences in what men want in a relationship and what women want from the same, and the palpable ripple effects of the #metoo movement in our work with couples and intimacy. Quoted in the Episode: “We don’t have the conversations that come up in couples therapy in our day-to-day lives.  We have to be very intentional about setting up space for that.”  - Shane

Sex is a difficult topic for most of us to discuss.  What we like, what we don’t like, where the edges of our boundaries are, what is normal and what isn’t, what our children need to know and when… And yet, it is such an all-encompassing thing in what it means to be human, it has roots and ties in nearly every facet of our existence.  Ultimately, what we all secretly want to know is, “Am I normal?” Our fears, discomfort and shame around sex aren’t entirely our faults.  Had we all been raised receiving different messages around sex, we’d be having very different conversations today than we are now.  And yet, here we are, trying our best to navigate a landscape rife with the ripples of Harvey Weinstein and Aziz Ansari, #metoo testimonials, rape culture, sexual harassment scandals, consent and victim blaming.  It’s no wonder we struggle to know how to educate our own children about sex or quietly tolerate discontentment and shame in our own bedrooms.  This week, Rebecca talks with sex therapist, Megan Torrey-Pa

What could you accomplish with your clients in just one weekend?  This week’s guest, Adam Smithey, dares us to dream “outside the box” into what is possible: how we can make the most impact, what our clients are really asking us for, and how we can better integrate our work into our everyday lives.  For him, that means being a stay-at-home dad during the week and running couples intensives on the weekends.  Adam finds that he is able to complete six months of work with his couples in just two days. In this episode, Adam tells Rebecca how he came to develop his unique practice structure and style, learning from his mistakes as he went.  He discusses how this integration with the demands of his home life with the dreams of his professional life has improved his marriage and allowed him to mentor other therapists who want to do clinical work differently.  Learn how he ebbs and flows through imposter syndrome, how he structures his intensives and refines his process as he goes, and why he thinks every therapist

“Our thoughts create our suffering” is not an uncommon idea.  But what does that really mean for our relationships, our past traumas, or the present realities?  In this episode, Rebecca talks with Tom Murray, a sex and couples therapist in Greensboro, NC, about the significance of the present moment, and what it proves about truth and endurance. Tom tells Rebecca about his “carefrontational” approach with clients and how he helps them to see where they’re creating their own suffering.  They discuss the difference between post-traumatic stress and post-traumatic growth, moving with the flow of life versus living in resistance, how our realities disprove the messaging of our default consciousness, and the differences between intimacy and closeness.  Tom and Rebecca exchange thoughts on selficide, monogamy, and the only deep knowing we can ever really have.   Quoted in the Episode: The truth always feels light, without exception.  What we get mixed up on is believing that perfect always feels good.  Perfect

When we are working to make a positive impact in a community, who is being left out of the conversation?  Who isn’t being seen?  Empathy starts with relationships and the mirrors those relationships hold up for us.  When we are interested in joining in the conversation of diversity and inclusivity, it can be challenging to know where to start, how to jump in, or who to ask for support. It feels scary.  No one wants to do it wrong.  But what relational work teaches us is that by looking at ourselves, with curiosity and self-compassion, we begin to expand our understanding and move out of our stuckness. Natalie Overton, educator, cultural competency coach for teachers, yoga instructor, and founder of OmmGirls, is my guest this week.  Together, we talk about why it is so important for helpers to receive help, ways to learn from people of color with humility rather than privilege, honing empathy as a skill, the possibility in agape love, the importance of self-care and self-reflection in the work of cultural com

This conversation undulates between the current state and issues within our collective consciousness as Americans living in today’s social and political climate to the individual in how we deal with self-reflection, trauma, and loss--beautifully illustrating the now proverbial rally cry, “The personal is political.” Rebecca and Berkeley-based therapist Molly Merson, MFT cover it all, from our political “parents” to our collective infancy on the internet, to grief and loss and metabolizing trauma, capitalism and gift-giving culture, community mindset and collaboration, to technology, parenting, psychoanalytic theory, and the choices we have in suicide versus end-of-life.  It all comes down to what we are able to hold and how two minds metabolizing together can disrupt repeat patterns.  Trigger Warning: If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States at 1-800-273-8255 Molly also wrote a

In our ever increasingly more technology-driven world, it is becoming even more imperative that we drop down into our physical bodies to understand what we feel and notice how it shows up for us in our bodies.  There is so much information to be had in our sensory and intuitive experiences, if we’ll only take the time to notice it.  And this information can show us not only how we react or respond to others, but also how we can shift cultural paradigms. So, it is only fitting that this week’s guest, Benjamin Reisterer, created a remarkably simple, convenient smartphone app called MetaFi, which guides users through noticing what emotions they feel, where they physically feel it in the body and the story around the emotions in three quick steps, so that users can begin to notice patterns in their emotions and physical responses and consciously disrupt those patterns with newer, healthier habits.  In our conversation, Benjamin and I talk about how app users can use what they learn to make changes, the neurobiol

The Practice of Being Seen podcast offers a collection of curated discussions to therapists and anyone interested in deep restorative transformation, through relationship. Relationship Therapist and host, Rebecca Wong, believes that when you truly see yourself you create a ripple effect that allows you to be the change you wish to see in the world -- and that invites everyone around you to do the same. This is the basis of her signature method, Connectfulness®. On this special holiday episode, Rebecca muses about Relationship Rumblestrips. These are reminders that help you come back into consciousness in your relationships, that cock you alert and help you show up as your highest self, the self that you are choosing to be, rather than the false self you had to become to survive. This is the work of Connectfulness - it’s the space between. When you slow down and notice your mode of reacting to these rumblestrip moments they become accessible growth portals that can transform the way you show up for yo

What would happen if you integrated themes from humanistic, existential, and attachment theory with the flavor of Zen Buddhism?  You might have something like this week’s guest Laura Carr’s therapeutic method: Compassion-Based Awareness Therapy.     As much as our culture loves a quick fix 12-step program, there are no quick pathways to behavior change.  In fact, behavior is typically the last thing to change.  But there are many opportunities along the way to dial into what we feel, allow ourselves to be seen, and make space for our responses.  And Laura Carr knows this as well as anyone.  By developing Compassion-Based Awareness Therapy, she has seen the profound transformations that can take shape when we are willing to pay attention to our pain and our guilt.   In this conversation, Laura and I discuss:   What Compassion-Based Awareness Therapy is and how Laura uses it in her work with couples. Why our typical view of compassion is inaccurate and what compassion really means. The differences betw

If you were to ask a room full of people whether or not they’ve ever cheated on a partner or have been cheated on by a partner, you’d likely get every single person to say “yes” to one or the other, if not both.  Affairs are such a common thing in intimate relationships.  And, so profoundly painful--certainly for the partner who was betrayed by the affair, but also, according to this week’s guest Beth Luwandi Lofstrom, for the offender.   When we cheat, it has a way of really getting at the core of who we are.  We think we know ourselves and where our boundaries lie, but this thing we never thought we’d do has us questioning everything.  Often, by the end of it, we just want peace.     Beth Luwandi Lofstrom has developed her own theory and methodology for working with couples who have experienced an affair and it may go against the usual grain.  As therapists, we of course come into the room with our own biases about infidelity.  Those biases don’t often tend toward understanding of the offender.  And acc

What if who we are in the bedroom is who we are in life?  If we are sensual beings experiencing the world through physical bodies, then what can our inner knowing and intuition tell us about safety and risk--both in sex and in life?  How do we create intimacy and can we relocate our innocence?  And what does it mean if we spend most of our lives at odds with our bodies, when so much of our inner knowing is wrapped up in our becoming attuned to our bodies and sensual experiences?   For writer, performer and coach, Monica Day, sex is just a piece of the sexuality continuum, but so much of who we are and what we pay attention to plays out in our sex.  In her new book, Play Wild, Stay Safe: The Guide to Giving & Receiving, she discusses safety and risk in our relationships as a foundational introduction to deeper conversations about sex, sensuality, consent and safety and beyond.  And through these conversations, we are able to access clarity around not just sexual mastery, but also power dynamics, healing from